A former colleague from work, who happens to be a close friend, invited me for lunch couple days ago. I knew it wasn't going to be a catch-up session, and I was right. She was confused, about her love life, a very recent fling.
She was just recovering from a failed relationship, the one where the other person left for a marriage with somebody else. Not that the guy was committed in the first place, but that was not the point. Another man showed up just in the right time, offering comfort, or so what everybody thought. I know the guy, not too close, but he was also a former colleague from work. He was not much of a difference, less commitment and more confusion. A fight ensued several days before, and the relationship was in an awkward position. Neither one of them want to make the first reconciliation move.
I told her what was on my mind given the situation. I talked left and right, but she summarized it best on her own. A simple and objective, but unfortunately a bit cold truth. It was almost 90 days, but the two of them had not figured out what they want from the relationship. I have been in a "going-nowhere" relationship before, and I realized that it should not take too long to make up your mind. If neither one of you are sure, then was it worth fighting for?
Love is not always smooth, lasting love requires sacrifices and some ego-busting. Love does not recognize ego, but that does not mean you don't have self-worth. Love got tested most often during tumultuous time, when sacrifices are required. When one party gives up too easily, then does the test tell you something? If the love is worth fighting for, then both of you will fight to defend it. Lower your egos for each other, but remain respectful of each other's self-worth, and of your own.
And lastly, your loving partner will chase for your affection. Motives may be in question, but there will be times when motives got tested. When you love your partner, you will fight for her love, and when you know what you want from your relationship, then both of you will fight for your love to each other.
The talk wasn't that succinct, but she helped me out sharpening it. Good luck to you, my friend. May that lasting love come after you very soon! All that you find along the way are part of the journey.
Showing posts with label psychologie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label psychologie. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Friday, October 17, 2008
Astrocenter Report - Part 14
[For some reason, Astrocenter assessment on my professional aspirations is a bit off. I wonder why (d'uh).]
[Astrocenter seems to make the impression as if my family was money-oriented, and later on I'd became overtly risk-taking as if to distance myself from what my family had believe in. Yeah, whatever. I think financial independence, or independence in general for that matter, is important to me. Furthermore, I'd most likely differ from my family in the way of building and managing wealth. I haven't yet see myself as an entrepreneur. Plus, I'd be inclined to use finance theory in my practical life, or like Astrocenter says, "to make the wealth prosper". Ha!]
Early in life, in his social and familial setting, YOGA probably learned the value of being financially independent and self-sufficient. In declaring his financial independence, he may have criticized and challenged his family's relationship to wealth and material things. Perhaps he took issue with the way he had been taught to think about and use money, and with his family's treatment of material things, in general. Since then, YOGA has viewed money merely as a means to achieve his ultimate end, true freedom and independence. To him, wealth will never be an end in and of itself. He often takes risks, and nonchalantly makes or loses large sums of money without showing any special concern for the future.
YOGA must deal with his tendency to manipulate others into allowing him to use their work for his own financial or material profit.
YOGA feels a need to make wealth acquired by association prosper.
[Astrocenter seems to make the impression as if my family was money-oriented, and later on I'd became overtly risk-taking as if to distance myself from what my family had believe in. Yeah, whatever. I think financial independence, or independence in general for that matter, is important to me. Furthermore, I'd most likely differ from my family in the way of building and managing wealth. I haven't yet see myself as an entrepreneur. Plus, I'd be inclined to use finance theory in my practical life, or like Astrocenter says, "to make the wealth prosper". Ha!]
~ to be continued ~
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Astrocenter Report - Part 13
[Shifting to career and wealth, I suppose.]
[For some reason, I feel this time it's a bit generic. Seeking work which will engage one's passion is ideal for a lot of people. I always think of a job where I would wake up in the morning feeling energized just thinking of the work I'd be doing that day. Not there yet, close though. As for the talent of exploring the hidden side of relationships... nah, not me.
Friends is important to one's financial success. Well, no man is an island. Whether it correlates with a tarot reader who foresaw my entrepreneurial path is yet to be confirmed. If I'm about to meddle with a start-up business, it'll take a partner or two.
Tends to watch financial assets closely... hmm.., I suppose the report does not consider me working in a financial service industry. There were circumstances where I ran short before my next paycheck, but I've learned better.]
Material Assets and Resources:
YOGA seeks work which will engage his passions, and which makes use of his talent for exploring the hidden side of individuals or social relationships.
Friends could be an important factor in YOGA's financial success.
YOGA invests a great deal of energy in his work in order to provide for his needs. He tends to watch his financial assets and resources closely, because he tends to be something of a spendthrift, and has been known to run short before the next paycheck arrives. When he is in straitened circumstances, it is usually because he squandered his money, or invested in unwisely, under the influence of more or less irrational and reckless impulses. He will have to adopt a more cautious and reasonable attitude towards money if he does not want to be broke on a regular basis.
[For some reason, I feel this time it's a bit generic. Seeking work which will engage one's passion is ideal for a lot of people. I always think of a job where I would wake up in the morning feeling energized just thinking of the work I'd be doing that day. Not there yet, close though. As for the talent of exploring the hidden side of relationships... nah, not me.
Friends is important to one's financial success. Well, no man is an island. Whether it correlates with a tarot reader who foresaw my entrepreneurial path is yet to be confirmed. If I'm about to meddle with a start-up business, it'll take a partner or two.
Tends to watch financial assets closely... hmm.., I suppose the report does not consider me working in a financial service industry. There were circumstances where I ran short before my next paycheck, but I've learned better.]
~ to be continued ~
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Single vs. Married - Part 4
[Naya, a yet another colleague of mine, forwarded this excerpt on 13 August 2008 (have you wondered how we have time to send and read all these stuff during office hour? Ha ha). This essay will be the closing post on this topic for now. Although, I believe this won't be the last post on this topic, I'll end the four-day tour for now. The journey is still long and I hope to share them with you in due time.
This article delves further to marriage and the transformative course it can offer to one's life. It is written as if a father is writting a letter to his son, relaying his sage advice on marriage. While the original posting credited this writing to Eduardo Calasanz, a student of the Ateneo Manila University in the Philippines, an inquisitive Google search uncovers the real writer. The well-written excerpt is actually the Chapter 26 of the book Letters to My Son, written by Kent Nerburn.]
Advice for the married, planning to get married, single but not available, single and available, no love life.
I have never met a man who didn't want to be loved. But I have seldom met a man who didn't fear marriage. Something about the closure seems constricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easier to understand for what it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible within our lives.
When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make a mistake. I saw my friends get married for reasons of social acceptability, or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was the logical thing to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners became embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. I looked at older couples and saw, at best, mutual toleration of each other. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering and could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate.
And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples who somehow seemed to glow in each other's presence. They seemed really in love, not just dependent upon each other and tolerant of each other's foibles. It was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible.
How, I asked myself, can they have survived so many years of sameness, so much irritation at the other's habits? What keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem unable to even stay together, much less love each other?
The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to the claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a bad relationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship to succeed. It is important to find someone with whom you can create a good relationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see clearly in the early stages.
Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors the way you see yourselves together. It blinds you to the thousands of little things by which relationships eventually survive or fail. You need to find a way to see beyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination. Some people choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out the most heated period of sexual attraction in order to see what is on the other side. This can work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Others deny the sexual side altogether in an attempt to get to know each other apart from their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them from having any normal perception of what life would be like together.
The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to become long-time friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. They get to know each other's laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see each other at their worst and at their best. They share time together before they get swept into the entangling intimacy of their sexuality.
This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you fall under the spell of your sexual attraction immediately, you need to look beyond it for other keys to compatibility.
One of these is laughter. Laughter tells you how much you will enjoy each other's company over the long term. If your laughter together is good and healthy, and not at the expense of others, then you have a healthy relationship to the world. Laughter is the child of surprise. If you can make each other laugh, you can always surprise each other. And if you can always surprise each other, you can always keep the world around you new. Beware of a relationship in which there is no laughter. Even the most intimate relationships based only on seriousness have a tendency to turn sour. Over time, sharing a common serious viewpoint on the world tends to turn you against those who do not share the same viewpoint, and your relationship can become based on being critical together.
After laughter, look for a partner who deals with the world in a way you respect. When two people first get together, they tend to see their relationship as existing only in the space between the two of them. They find each other endlessly fascinating, and the overwhelming power of the emotions they are sharing obscures the outside world. As the relationship ages and grows, the outside world becomes important again. If your partner treats people or circumstances in a way you can't accept, you will inevitably come to grief. Look at the way she cares for others and deals with the daily affairs of life. If that makes you love her more, your love will grow. If it does not, be careful. If you do not respect the way you each deal with the world around you, eventually the two of you will not respect each other.
Look also at how your partner confronts the mysteries of life. We live on the cusp of poetry and practicality, and the real life of the heart resides in the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by the mystery of the unseen in life and relationships, while the other is drawn only to the literal and the practical, you must take care that the distance doesn't become an unbridgeable gap that leaves you each feeling isolated and misunderstood.
There are many other keys, but you must find them by yourself. We all have unchangeable parts of our hearts that we will not betray and private commitments to a vision of life that we will not deny. If you fall in love with someone who cannot nourish those inviolable parts of you, or if you cannot nourish them in her, you will find yourselves growing further apart until you live in separate worlds where you share the business of life, but never touch each other where the heart lives and dreams. From there it is only a small leap to the cataloging of petty hurts and daily failures that leaves so many couples bitter and unsatisfied with their mates.
So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will have chosen a partner with whom you can grow, and then the real miracle of marriage can take place in your hearts. I pick my words carefully when I speak of a miracle. But I think it is not too strong a word. There is a miracle in marriage. It is called transformation. Transformation is one of the most common events of nature. The seed becomes the flower. The cocoon becomes the butterfly. Winter becomes spring and love becomes a child. We never question these, because we see them around us every day. To us they are not miracles, though if we did not know them they would be impossible to believe. Marriage is a transformation we choose to make.
Our love is planted like a seed, and in time it begins to flower. We cannot know the flower that will blossom, but we can be sure that a bloom will come. If you have chosen carefully and wisely, the bloom will be good. If you have chosen poorly or for the wrong reason, the bloom will be flawed. We are quite willing to accept the reality of negative transformation in a marriage. It was negative transformation that always had me terrified of the bitter marriages that I feared when I was younger.
It never occurred to me to question the dark miracle that transformed love into harshness and bitterness. Yet I was unable to accept the possibility that the first heat of love could be transformed into something positive that was actually deeper and more meaningful than the heat of fresh passion. All I could believe in was the power of this passion and the fear that when it cooled I would be left with something lesser and bitter. But there is positive transformation as well. Like negative transformation, it results from a slow accretion of little things. But instead of death by a thousand blows, it is growth by a thousand touches of love. Two histories intermingle. Two separate beings, two separate presence, two separate consciousnesses come together and share a view of life that passes before them. They remain separate, but they also become one.
There is an expansion of awareness, not a closure and a constriction, as I had once feared. This is not to say that there is not tension and there are not traps. Tension and traps are part of every choice of life, from celibate to monogamous to having multiple lovers. Each choice contains within it the lingering doubt that the road not taken somehow more fruitful and exciting, and each becomes dulled to the richness that it alone contains.
But only marriage allows life to deepen and expand and be leavened by the knowledge that two have chosen, against all odds, to become one. Those who live together without marriage can know the pleasure of shared company, but there is a specific gravity in the marriage commitment that deepens that experience into something richer and more complex. So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rush into it for the wrong reasons. It is an act of faith and it contains within it the power of transformation.
If you believe in your heart that you have found someone with whom you are able to grow, if you have sufficient faith that you can resist the endless attraction of the road not taken and the partner not chosen, if you have the strength of heart to embrace the cycles and seasons that your love will experience, then you may be ready to seek the miracle that marriage offers. If not, then wait. The easy grace of a marriage well made is worth your patience. When the time comes, a thousand flowers will bloom... endlessly.
[It is beautiful, I know. Nerburn write it so eloquently. He points to the overarching theme of transformation in his writing. He immediately grabs the readers' attention by acknowledging public fears of marital commitment. Although he soon dispel that perception by arguing how choosing well can make for a successful relationship based on fundamental compatibility; he also constantly caution on the potential dangers that a wrong choice can make.
While he admits on the difficulty of making the right choice, three keys are readily observable for a person to ascertain the quality of his relationship. First, good and healthy laughter, for it is 'the child of surprise,' indicating long-lasting freshness to a relationship. Second, respectful outside interaction; since maturing relationship shifts external obscurity to external awareness, creating a sense of respect (or lack of it) between the two individuals. Third, compatible internal sensitivity, for different people may 'confront the mysteries of life' differently and the resulting incompatibility may bring gaping distance in the relationship. Other keys differ between couples, but all revolve in the ability to nourish that 'unchangeable parts of one's hearts that one will not betray and private commitments to a vision of life that one will not deny' (is it one's value and ambition?).
Nerburn use the word 'miracle' in describing the resulting effect of the transformation that marriage can bring; when 'two separate consciousnesses come together and share a view of life that passes before them.' While marriage should not be feared, it also should not be rushed into (again, for the wrong reasons). The miracle is reserved for those who 'have sufficient faith on one's ability to resist the endless attraction of the road not taken and the partner not chosen' (a difficult feat, yes, but not an impossible one).
So, how's the four-day tour add to our understanding of the topic? Let's recap a bit. Solitude is a period to be cherished. Enjoy it while it last and only let it go for the RIGHT REASONS. There is higher purpose(s) in life other than marriage. Marriage is only one mean to achieve that. And for those who are ready for marriage, choose your spouse well. Observe the keys for making relationship long-lasting before moving to the next level. And when you decide to get married, value equality in your marriage and actualize it in your family life.
I hope my friend read these posts, and perhaps reconsider his view on marriage, especially after reading Nerburn's writing. Unconditional love do exist, it depend on the choices we made. As for me? well, marriage may no longer be a distant concept. However, I'll need to take the time in developing my newly-build relationship and then decide when progression to the next level is warranted.]
This article delves further to marriage and the transformative course it can offer to one's life. It is written as if a father is writting a letter to his son, relaying his sage advice on marriage. While the original posting credited this writing to Eduardo Calasanz, a student of the Ateneo Manila University in the Philippines, an inquisitive Google search uncovers the real writer. The well-written excerpt is actually the Chapter 26 of the book Letters to My Son, written by Kent Nerburn.]
Choosing a Soulmate - Partners and Marriage
Advice for the married, planning to get married, single but not available, single and available, no love life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have never met a man who didn't want to be loved. But I have seldom met a man who didn't fear marriage. Something about the closure seems constricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easier to understand for what it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible within our lives.
When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make a mistake. I saw my friends get married for reasons of social acceptability, or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was the logical thing to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners became embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. I looked at older couples and saw, at best, mutual toleration of each other. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering and could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate.
And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples who somehow seemed to glow in each other's presence. They seemed really in love, not just dependent upon each other and tolerant of each other's foibles. It was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible.
How, I asked myself, can they have survived so many years of sameness, so much irritation at the other's habits? What keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem unable to even stay together, much less love each other?
The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to the claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a bad relationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship to succeed. It is important to find someone with whom you can create a good relationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see clearly in the early stages.
Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors the way you see yourselves together. It blinds you to the thousands of little things by which relationships eventually survive or fail. You need to find a way to see beyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination. Some people choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out the most heated period of sexual attraction in order to see what is on the other side. This can work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Others deny the sexual side altogether in an attempt to get to know each other apart from their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them from having any normal perception of what life would be like together.
The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to become long-time friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. They get to know each other's laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see each other at their worst and at their best. They share time together before they get swept into the entangling intimacy of their sexuality.
This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you fall under the spell of your sexual attraction immediately, you need to look beyond it for other keys to compatibility.
One of these is laughter. Laughter tells you how much you will enjoy each other's company over the long term. If your laughter together is good and healthy, and not at the expense of others, then you have a healthy relationship to the world. Laughter is the child of surprise. If you can make each other laugh, you can always surprise each other. And if you can always surprise each other, you can always keep the world around you new. Beware of a relationship in which there is no laughter. Even the most intimate relationships based only on seriousness have a tendency to turn sour. Over time, sharing a common serious viewpoint on the world tends to turn you against those who do not share the same viewpoint, and your relationship can become based on being critical together.
After laughter, look for a partner who deals with the world in a way you respect. When two people first get together, they tend to see their relationship as existing only in the space between the two of them. They find each other endlessly fascinating, and the overwhelming power of the emotions they are sharing obscures the outside world. As the relationship ages and grows, the outside world becomes important again. If your partner treats people or circumstances in a way you can't accept, you will inevitably come to grief. Look at the way she cares for others and deals with the daily affairs of life. If that makes you love her more, your love will grow. If it does not, be careful. If you do not respect the way you each deal with the world around you, eventually the two of you will not respect each other.
Look also at how your partner confronts the mysteries of life. We live on the cusp of poetry and practicality, and the real life of the heart resides in the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by the mystery of the unseen in life and relationships, while the other is drawn only to the literal and the practical, you must take care that the distance doesn't become an unbridgeable gap that leaves you each feeling isolated and misunderstood.
There are many other keys, but you must find them by yourself. We all have unchangeable parts of our hearts that we will not betray and private commitments to a vision of life that we will not deny. If you fall in love with someone who cannot nourish those inviolable parts of you, or if you cannot nourish them in her, you will find yourselves growing further apart until you live in separate worlds where you share the business of life, but never touch each other where the heart lives and dreams. From there it is only a small leap to the cataloging of petty hurts and daily failures that leaves so many couples bitter and unsatisfied with their mates.
So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will have chosen a partner with whom you can grow, and then the real miracle of marriage can take place in your hearts. I pick my words carefully when I speak of a miracle. But I think it is not too strong a word. There is a miracle in marriage. It is called transformation. Transformation is one of the most common events of nature. The seed becomes the flower. The cocoon becomes the butterfly. Winter becomes spring and love becomes a child. We never question these, because we see them around us every day. To us they are not miracles, though if we did not know them they would be impossible to believe. Marriage is a transformation we choose to make.
Our love is planted like a seed, and in time it begins to flower. We cannot know the flower that will blossom, but we can be sure that a bloom will come. If you have chosen carefully and wisely, the bloom will be good. If you have chosen poorly or for the wrong reason, the bloom will be flawed. We are quite willing to accept the reality of negative transformation in a marriage. It was negative transformation that always had me terrified of the bitter marriages that I feared when I was younger.
It never occurred to me to question the dark miracle that transformed love into harshness and bitterness. Yet I was unable to accept the possibility that the first heat of love could be transformed into something positive that was actually deeper and more meaningful than the heat of fresh passion. All I could believe in was the power of this passion and the fear that when it cooled I would be left with something lesser and bitter. But there is positive transformation as well. Like negative transformation, it results from a slow accretion of little things. But instead of death by a thousand blows, it is growth by a thousand touches of love. Two histories intermingle. Two separate beings, two separate presence, two separate consciousnesses come together and share a view of life that passes before them. They remain separate, but they also become one.
There is an expansion of awareness, not a closure and a constriction, as I had once feared. This is not to say that there is not tension and there are not traps. Tension and traps are part of every choice of life, from celibate to monogamous to having multiple lovers. Each choice contains within it the lingering doubt that the road not taken somehow more fruitful and exciting, and each becomes dulled to the richness that it alone contains.
But only marriage allows life to deepen and expand and be leavened by the knowledge that two have chosen, against all odds, to become one. Those who live together without marriage can know the pleasure of shared company, but there is a specific gravity in the marriage commitment that deepens that experience into something richer and more complex. So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rush into it for the wrong reasons. It is an act of faith and it contains within it the power of transformation.
If you believe in your heart that you have found someone with whom you are able to grow, if you have sufficient faith that you can resist the endless attraction of the road not taken and the partner not chosen, if you have the strength of heart to embrace the cycles and seasons that your love will experience, then you may be ready to seek the miracle that marriage offers. If not, then wait. The easy grace of a marriage well made is worth your patience. When the time comes, a thousand flowers will bloom... endlessly.
[It is beautiful, I know. Nerburn write it so eloquently. He points to the overarching theme of transformation in his writing. He immediately grabs the readers' attention by acknowledging public fears of marital commitment. Although he soon dispel that perception by arguing how choosing well can make for a successful relationship based on fundamental compatibility; he also constantly caution on the potential dangers that a wrong choice can make.
While he admits on the difficulty of making the right choice, three keys are readily observable for a person to ascertain the quality of his relationship. First, good and healthy laughter, for it is 'the child of surprise,' indicating long-lasting freshness to a relationship. Second, respectful outside interaction; since maturing relationship shifts external obscurity to external awareness, creating a sense of respect (or lack of it) between the two individuals. Third, compatible internal sensitivity, for different people may 'confront the mysteries of life' differently and the resulting incompatibility may bring gaping distance in the relationship. Other keys differ between couples, but all revolve in the ability to nourish that 'unchangeable parts of one's hearts that one will not betray and private commitments to a vision of life that one will not deny' (is it one's value and ambition?).
Nerburn use the word 'miracle' in describing the resulting effect of the transformation that marriage can bring; when 'two separate consciousnesses come together and share a view of life that passes before them.' While marriage should not be feared, it also should not be rushed into (again, for the wrong reasons). The miracle is reserved for those who 'have sufficient faith on one's ability to resist the endless attraction of the road not taken and the partner not chosen' (a difficult feat, yes, but not an impossible one).
So, how's the four-day tour add to our understanding of the topic? Let's recap a bit. Solitude is a period to be cherished. Enjoy it while it last and only let it go for the RIGHT REASONS. There is higher purpose(s) in life other than marriage. Marriage is only one mean to achieve that. And for those who are ready for marriage, choose your spouse well. Observe the keys for making relationship long-lasting before moving to the next level. And when you decide to get married, value equality in your marriage and actualize it in your family life.
I hope my friend read these posts, and perhaps reconsider his view on marriage, especially after reading Nerburn's writing. Unconditional love do exist, it depend on the choices we made. As for me? well, marriage may no longer be a distant concept. However, I'll need to take the time in developing my newly-build relationship and then decide when progression to the next level is warranted.]
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Single vs. Married - Part 3
[Okay, how about seeing it from the other camp. Why people marry? And what's in it for them? This article, written as a short guide to marriage, is meant for the guy, the husband in the household.
This guide, also written in Bahasa Indonesia, is forwarded by a colleague of mine, Bayu, on 6 November 2006. I often refer him as cartoony, but I guess there's a reason to his behaviour. This article confirms what he had trying to explain to me.]
CHAPTER I – Having a Marriage
Dua sisi
Generasi ayah kita, banyak sekali di mana mereka membanting tulang bekerja dengan istrinya menjadi ibu rumah tangga yang baik. Tidak ada yang salah dengan itu. Mereka semua membesarkan kita menjadi kita sekarang. Ada dua sisi yang jelas dari perkawinan modern:
1. Saya melihat bahwa wanita itu butuh juga kebanggaan terhadap dirinya ‘Saya bekerja, saya juga mencari nafkah’.
Di sini peran mereka juga lebih berat karena ganda. Siang mereka bekerja meski gajinya belum tentu sebesar kita (terkadang lebih), celakanya bagi istri yg suaminya 'dablek', mereka masih dipaksa melayani suamilah atau mengurusi anaklah. Di sinilah yang saya lihat bagus untuk diubah.
2. Dengan tingkat inflasi sekarang, wah susah juga jika kita hanya mengandalkan suami untuk bekerja, maka sisi pertama tadi, berhubungan dengan sisi ini.
Dari keduanya, lahir pemikiran dari saya, bahwa alangkah baiknya jika zaman sekarang suami lebih sensitif terhadap perasaan istri. Alangkah baiknya jika sang suami, juga berperan sebagai sedikit ibu karena istrinya telah berperan sebagai suami juga dengan ikut mencari nafkah. Ga salah jika kita sepulang kerja stop by di pasar buah dan nelpon istri ‘Ok, ini mungkin pertanyaan tolol, tapi, anggur itu cuman 2 warna kan? ’Atau ke Hero ‘Susu si kecil itu merknya apa ya? Aku berdiri depan lot susu buanyak buanget tapi lupa namanya...’ Atau bergantian ngelonin si kecil di kala dia rewel dan membiarkan istri istirahat. Semua itu adalah peran ibu yang memang baik untuk kita ambil alih sebagai tanda respek kita terhadap istri kita yang telah berperan ganda.
Lagian, malu juga dong masak sih istri bisa kerja, masak, ngasuh anak dan great in bed… tapi kitanya cuman bisa kerja doang? Ya ngga? Apa yang salah kaprah dengan dunia ini? Penyelesaian yang mereka ambil adalah baby sitter. Bego kan? Sering ga sih kita lihat pasangan bawa baby sitter, padahal mereka ga gendong apa-apa? Duh padahal, bayi itu menangis karena dia kangen sama degup jantung ibu di kala dia di dalam kandungan. Itu sebabnya dia diem kalau kita gendong. Eh, ini malah baby sitter yang gendong.
Lapis bawang
Pernikahan itu, seperti yang nenek saya pernah bilang, tidak lebih dari sekedar sebutir bawang (merah, putih, bombay, optional). Katanya, ‘Dit, pernikahan itu tidak lebih dari seperti bawang.’ ‘Sebenarnya tidak ada intinya. Kita hanya menjalani hari demi hari bersama orang yang kita sayangi. Ada kalanya kita menangis sedih. Pedihnya rumah tangga dirasa sama dengan kita mengupas bawang itu lapis demi lapis. Dan ada kalanya kita tertawa bahagia.’ ‘Nek, gimana kok bisa ngupas bawang tuh kok ya sampe ketawa? ‘Oh ya bisa, soalnya abis nangis, ngeliat ke baskom, bawang lain masih banyak.’ Saya ketawa terbahak-bahak hari itu.
Tapi intinya benar. Pernikahan itu seperti mengupas bawang lapis demi lapis. Pedih, dan membuat mata berair. Moral dari cerita nenek saya ini adalah, please make sure when she cries, you are there, crying with her. Feel what she feels and see what she sees. You don’t have to agree, but you do need to understand.
CHAPTER II – On Being a Husband
Okay, perfectly aware of the fact that I'm not married yet, and here we are sitting together, telling you all this. Apologies for that, I just think these kinds of things are good to know. I may not have enough maturity to do it when my time comes. But sure as hell, would like to try them.
Sahabat
Ada satu kunci yang ingin saya sampaikan untuk bisa menjadi suami yang sempurna di mata istri, hanya satu kata. Sahabat. Ada banyak peran yang kita harus bisa mainkan dalam rumah tangga. Sebagai suami karena kita menikahi dia. Sebagai kepala rumah tangga dan sebagai kuli, karena kita tulang punggung keluarga. Ada satu peran yang saya lihat jarang suami atau istri mainkan, yaitu sebagai sahabat.
Kecocokan
Dari pandangan gua nih, orang cerai karena mereka tidak cocok. Kenapa mereka tidak cocok? Karena mereka gagal menjadi sahabat satu sama lain. Ingat juga bahwa temen tidak ada bekas teman, namun istri, ada bekas istri. Iya kan? Merinding bombay ga sih melihat logikanya?
Menyelesaikan masalah
Ketika kita mampu memandang istri kita sebagai sahabat, kita bisa masuk ke dalam berbagai macam lapisan hidup dia. Saya melihat beberapa teman saya yang berhasil dalam hal ini, dan mereka bener-bener berumah tangga dengan baik. Mereka tidak butuh orang penengah jika bertengkar, karena mereka tahu, bahwa sahabat itu, bisa menyelesaikan masalah sendiri dengan baik.
Sahabat can keep secret better. Saya lihat juga bahwa rumah tangga seperti itu, mereka tidak butuh untuk cerita ke orang lain tentang masalah yang mereka miliki. Mereka bisa langsung ngomong ‘Saya ga suka kamu kayak gini.’ Ada lagi yang memiliki tahapan lebih aneh, di mana mereka benar-benar keluar dari box-nya ‘OK, sekarang kamu bukan istri saya, kamu sahabat saya. Saya mau komplen tentang istri saya.’
Berbagi luka
Ini misalnya saja ya. Jika kita suatu hari salah langkah dalam bisnis, kemudian semua tabungan kita 70 juta, amblas habis. Ada suatu sakit tak terhingga di hati kita di sana, pasti. Jika kita hanya mampu memandang istri sebagai istri, kita ga bakal tega bilang ‘Sayang, maaf ya, tabungan kita hilang.’ Potong jari sama saya, kamu setidaknya mikir 5 kali sebelum bilang ke istri. Di sana ada faktor malu karena gagal sebagai suami, gagal sebagai kepala rumah tangga, dan sejuta rasa gagal lainnya yang menumpuk.
Namun, semuanya akan lebih gampang, jika istri kita adalah sahabat kita juga. Jika kita mampu memandang dia sebagai sahabat kita ‘Say, kita kehilangan uang banyak.’ Kenapa ini mungkin? Karena dengan sahabat, kamu tidak perlu ada pride sebagai suami. Kamu bahkan tidak perlu mahar atau apply untuk jadi sahabat. Justru dengan sahabatlah kita bisa sesantai-santainya kita. Yang kamu butuh adalah kecocokan. Menjadi sahabat adalah hal termurah dalam dunia ini. Itulah sebabnya, amat penting bagi kita untuk mampu menganggap istri kita, sebagai sahabat. Of course you can disagree with that.
The comparing game
This is the game we hate the most, yet, the one we play all the time. Common sense can tell us bahwa jangan kita lakukan ini. Di saat kita have a fight. This is what you should avoid. 'Why can't you be more like her? Why can’t we be like them? Why can't... bla bla bla?' Rest assured there will come a time when we say this to her/him if we don't grow up enough.
Di kala kita merasa kurang puas dengan dia (dalam hal apa pun), ada baiknya kita mengingat kembali, that we chose to be with her and that when we kissed her forehead setelah ijab kabul, we chose to spend the rest of our life with her, and her only. We chose. We are what we are today, because of the choices we made yesterday. Jadi, jangan pernah sekali-kali membandingkan dia dengan orang lain karena we chose to be with her when we got married. So there is no more need to compare with other people, starting from that point.
The only healthy comparing games adalah seperti ini: ‘Why are we like this today?’ ‘Why can’t we be like we were before?’ Itu lebih sehat, karena kita tidak keluar dari konteks diri kita sendiri. Dan itu pun, sebelum kita melakukannya, kita harus bertanya dahulu ke diri sendiri ‘Apakah saya ada kontribusi terhadap memburuknya keadaan menjadi sekarang?’ Jika ya, berusahalah dulu memperbaiki diri karena mungkin saja kita yang salah, atau setidaknya kita yang salah dalam melihat. Atau malah, istri kita jadi nyebelin karena sebenernya kitanya yang ada salah... She was just reacting towards how we have been acting. Contoh yang jelek tentunya jika membanding-bandingkan dengan kondisi yang dimiliki orang lain atau dengan orang lain itu sendiri.
Mendukung dan mengalah
There is a twisted paradox towards these two things that we need to do in marriage. Terkadang, there's a clear cut between those two, but sometimes, kita mesti mendukung dengan cara mengalah, dan mengalah dengan cara mendukung. Kasusnya jelas banget. Misalkan suami ada tugas 5 tahun di Singapura, tapi istri juga lagi kencengnya ngembangin bisnis dia yang udah lama dirintis. What would you do? What would you choose? Apakah kita mau, expat sendirian? Apakah dia mau ninggalin impian dia yang udah lama dia rintis, demi nemenin suami 5 tahun doang? Terlebih lagi begini: Siapa yang harus mendukung siapa? Siapa yang harus nurut ke siapa? Siapa yang harus ngalah?
Saya pernah menanyakan hal itu pada pacar saya, dan kita setuju akan penyelesaian di bawah. Saya ga tau kamu, tapi kalo saya jadi suami, saya mending milih pergi sendiri. Why? My wife didn't go to university to serve me. Yes, I am the most important thing in her world. But remember, I am NOT the ONLY thing in her world. Saya yakin dia punya impian sendiri, ambisi sendiri yang dia ingin capai dan puaskan (see chapter one). As husbands, we need to respect that and support that at any cost.
Further, saya ga mau 30 tahun ke depan, pecahlah sebuah pertengkaran dan salah satu dari kita berkata 'I gave up MY career for you, for us, what did YOU do?' 'I made the sacrifice for us. You are what you are now because I buried myself.' 'You had your dream. I can never get mine back.' Okay, so maybe those examples are very extreme, and unlikely to be heard. But regardless, do we really want to hear that? I don't.
Ok, mungkin mereka ikhlas... tapi, kita juga harus mendukung dia. Dia harus mendukung kita. Dia adalah separuh nyawa kita, iya benar bahwa kita tidak bisa hidup tanpa dia. Tapi, apakah dia bisa hidup dengan penyesalan? Apakah penyesalan dia, bisa kita, suami, kompensasi? Syukur kalo bisa. Syukur kalo dia kita larang kerja tapi kita bisa provide everything she needs, lahir batin, uang love and respect for her. Kalo ngga? gimana? itu berarti, in a sense, kita minta dia untuk berkorban dua kali. Don't make her do that.
I don't know about you, but I don't want to be with someone yang memiliki penyesalan dalam hidupnya... kita bakalan capek seumur hidup trying to cheer her up and compensate her. Mereka sebagai istri, di kebanyakan kasus ga ambil masalah. Mereka mungkin ikhlas, karena memang basically istri kudu nurut ama suami. But do we really want to do that to her? I sure as hell, don't. Tapi, inget, bahwa ini juga bisa terjadi kebalikannya.
CHAPTER III – Being a Father
Ok, ini rada berat nih. Saya belum pernah jadi ayah, tapi kamu dan saya, pernah jadi anak, so, bear with me and here we go.
Spend time with them
Saya pernah baca di Intisari edisi psikologi anak, bahwa penelitian memperlihatkan anak-anak yang menghabiskan waktu dengan ayahnya lebih banyak, lebih berprestasi di sekolah, anaknya cenderung lebih pintar. Hal in sangat logis. Bayangin aja. Dia main Lego sendiri. Dia bingung dong mau bikin apa. Tapi kalau kamu mau sediain waktu buat actually asik-asikan ikut main. Dia di usia muda udah bisa membaca pola pikir kamu. Of course kita tidak memaksa dia berpikir rumus regresi linier, itu akan mematikan kreativitas anak. Tapi kita bisa contohkan sedikit agar kreativitas itu tumbuh. Jadilah katalis, bukan fasis.
Di sini ada sesuatu yang simple yang banyak orang lewatkan. Si ibu udah kerja. pulang kerja, masak abis itu ngasuh anak, manage rumah tangga, bla bla bla, capek. Jadinya sesempurnanya ibu, adalah wajar dan bukan salah dia kalo beberapa kali dia kelewat mengajari anak padahal constant teaching and sampling sangat penting di anak balita. Di situlah wajib adanya peran ayah. Ayah menutup lubang-lubang, di mana sang ibu terlalu capek atau tidak memperhatikan. Sehabis makan malam, ya ketimbang gettin’ jiggy with mommy ada baiknya kita ngobrol-ngobrol dengan anak, meski pun obrolan itu ngaco seperti ‘Guru di sekolah kamu bau kelek yah?’ Ok mungkin itu bukan contoh yang baik, tapi you get the point kan? Spend time with them.
Good cop, Bad cop
Misalnya dimarahi ayah atau ibu. Sehabis dimarahi salah satu (ayah atau ibu), yang lainnya sebaiknya datang dan menjelaskan ‘Gini loh nak, maksud si ibu/ayah itu…’ to make sure bahwa they get the point dan mereka sadar bahwa mereka dimarahi karena kita sayang, bukan sumpalan amarah saja. Tapi di sini juga hati-hati karena terkadang jika baru dimarahin banget, sang anak akan capek mendengar hal yang sama meski disampaikan dengan halus, so be careful on this one.
Build their confidence
Sebagai manusia, tonggak momen terpenting dalam sebuah usaha bukanlah di saat kita sukses dan berkata ‘Ya, saya berhasil.’ Yang paling krusial adalah di saat semua masih nol dan berani berkata ‘Ya, saya pasti bisa.’ Tak pelak lagi bahwa kita perlu sekali membangun PD (percaya diri) dalam anak-anak kita agar dia bisa yakin dengan dirinya sendiri bahwa dia bisa survive di dunia ketika dewasa nanti. Membangun ini tidak mudah. Ada paradoksnya:
Pertama, kita harus ada di samping dia di saat-saat sangat muda dan menyemangati dia ‘Ayo ganteng, kamu bisa!’ Dia jatuh ‘Ah ga papa, presiden juga pernah jatuh, ayo coba lagi.’ ‘Ayo sini ayah ajarin manjat pohon, ayah pegangin.’
Kemudian, as time goes by ‘Kamu berani kan manjat pohon sendiri, ayah ga megangin… oh by the way, jambunya dua tolong ya,’ (ok, that’s not a good dad, that’s me).
Kemudian di kala dia dewasa, kita justru yang harus berani melepas mereka sendiri ke dunia. ‘Ayo sana usaha sendiri, be tough kamu pasti bisa.’ Jika dia habis menggambar, meski jelek, tolong dipigura dan dipajang. Itu sudah terbukti, bisa menumbuhkan percaya diri ke dia. Tapi jangan jelek-jelek amat yang dipajang. Kalau dia ga bisa gambar ya jangan dipajang. Kenapa? Takutnya nanti bisa misleading dia. Inti dari memasang gambar itu adalah bahwa kita sebagai orang tua berusaha membuat sang anak merasa ‘Wah, karya gua dianggap penting loh sama ayah… sure dad, I will draw even better than that one.’
Ever walk in a park where there are a lot of kids playing with their parents? I do that almost all the time. The one thing I heard all the time is 'Mommy mommy look at me,' when they do something. At hat moment, they need appreciation, they need boosting. They need someone to say 'There u go, that’s my girl.' 'You are so brave.' 'Keep at it kid,' make sure you say that to them, when the time comes. Semua itu adalah proses seumur hidup yang kita bangun ke diri anak kita dari dia mulai bayi sampai pergi ke Copenhagen and get kissed by a Dutch girl.
Comparisons
Tentunya sebagai ayah yang bijak, kamu tahu sendiri bahwa membandingkan anak kita dengan anak lain adalah destruktif. Intinya, memang kita sebaiknya menghindari membandingkan dengan individu lain. Setiap manusia terlahir unik. Tidak ada duanya. Tidak ada kembaran identiknya kecuali dikloning.
Atas dasar itu, kita lebih baik memotivasi dia dengan membandingkan dia dengan dia sendiri. ‘Are you a better person now than you were yesterday?’ ‘Ayo, kemaren kan udah hafal perkalian, berarti sekarang harus bisa pembagian.’ Atau, jika dia IQ-nya 245, ‘Ayo, kemarin kan sudah multiple regression sekarang bisa dong logit biner,’ sorry, that was just a joke.
Inti dari sub-bab ini adalah, compare them with themselves sebelumnya. Tanamkan ke dalam diri mereka (sejalan dengan kedewasaan mereka tentunya) bahwa pribadi yang baik adalah pribadi yang berkembang dan bertambah baik sejalan dengan waktu.
The Peter Pan syndrome
Peter Pan adalah seorang anak yang hidup di Neverland. Di sana dia tidak mengalami proses penuaan. Dia tidak mau turun ke Bumi karena dia tahu bahwa jika dia tinggal di Bumi, dia akan dewasa dan menua. Setiap manusia memiliki sifat ini. Sejalan dengan tumbuh dan dewasanya anak sebaiknya kita kikis sifat ini.
Adalah hal yang penting untuk kita tanamkan ke mereka bahwa hal terbaik untuk mengatasi masalah adalah dengan menghadapinya, meski itu pahit. OK, kita jangan berpikir agunan rumah dulu. Contoh kecil, sehabis puas bermain Lego yang berserakan, kita harus tanamkan ke dia bahwa main Lego bisa seru, tapi afterwards, kita harus membereskannya.
Every action has consequences and we should face it, deal with it, and solve it. Itu yang kita sebaiknya tanamkan ke mereka dari kecil, dengan skala yang sesuai juga tentunya.
Setting example
At the break of a dawn, just before a great battle, a great commander said to his army, ‘What we do in life, echoes in eternity.’ In a way, hal yang sama juga terjadi pada anak kita. The things we do, the words we say and the way that we are, as a father, echoes in their minds, carved in their memories and reflected on their future. Mark those words, they are for real.
Kenapa bisa begitu? Karena bagi kita, orang tua, anak kita memang penting, tapi anak bukanlah satu-satunya hal yg kita urus. Cicilan, kerjaan, istri, rumah, de el and el. Itulah dunia kita. Apa dunia anak-anak kita? Dunia anak kita, hanyalah kita. Their universe, DOES evolve around us, parents. To them we are their everything. We are the first people they learn about life from.
So how do we act as parents? Do we have to be perfect? No. Do we have to tell them things? Not always. What then? We set examples. Be a role model to them. Don’t just tell them to do things, tapi biasakan diri kita untuk melakukannya. “Kamu harus olahraga biar tinggi” (tapi ngomongnya sambil ngerokok). That’s not setting an example. Jangan suruh mereka sholat jika kita sendiri sholatnya suka pas injury time. Jangan ceramahin mereka untuk bersabar jika sekali aja kita disalip bajaj, ngumpat-ngumpatnya 2 malem. Jangan suruh anak makan bayem kalo kita sendiri ga suka sayur. Set example.
To them, we are their everything. They will at first, do the things we do. So, before becoming a father, make sure bahwa kita siap memberi contoh.
Sahabat
Yes, terhadap anak kita, justru kita bagusnya menjadi sahabat selain menjadi ayah. Jangan coba-coba memasukkan logika kita ke pemikiran dia. “Kok kamu maen sapu sih? Ga bener tuh ayo taro sapunya ntar cacingan lagi.’ Percaya atau ngga, itu bahaya. Kita memasukkan logika orang dewasa kita, ke anak umur 4 tahun. They are kids, let them stay as kids. Mereka memang seharusnya menghayal. That’s normal and healthy (defensive banget ya gua?). Bukannya mau ngajarin nih, (gua juga belum punya anak), tapi hal yang tepat menyikapinya adalah ‘kamu lagi ngehayal apa hari ini? kok pake sapu?’ ‘Jadi nenek sihir yah,’ ‘Wah ayah jadi jin kadut deh, bentar ayah make sarung yah.’ Ambil tuh sarung, bikin deh tuh rumah ribut dengan tawa canda kita dan anak kita. Potong jari sama saya, suara mesin Mercedez Class C, kalah indah sama suara tawa itu.
Ada banyak sekali di dunia anak yang kita sudah lupa untuk mengerti sejalan dengan kita makin dewasa. Itu yang bahaya. Jangan kamu buang sifat anak kecilmu itu demi kedewasaan karena kamu akan membutuhkan sifat kekanak-kanakan kamu, untuk berteman dengan anakmu sendiri. Ini adalah yang paling penting dari semua hal yang gua share sekarang.
Jujur, gua pernah bilang ke temen, ‘Gua menolak to grow up more at this point,’ ‘Why?’ ‘Karena gua pengen masih bisa nyambung ngomong sama anak gua nanti.’
[Phew, that was a bit long. Lots of themes and messages in this guide, despite its abrupt ending. Though, that's probably why Bayu loves it so much. It ends on his favorite part. But, let's talk about the themes.
This article assumes its readers have made the decision to marry or have married. The writer is sharing his view and experience to his buddies, all married or about to get married. He starts early in addressing the importance of equality in marital relationship and expands on that theme in various parts of his essay. According to him, marriage does not demand total compromise from the wife's part. On the contrary, it acknowledges the wife's dream, ambition, and sense of self-purpose. Healthy relationship occurs when both sides view each other as equal and communications can go two-way.
Piggy-backing on the equality theme, comes the second major theme, that is of sharing. Because both sides are equal, it calls for equal access to and from each side (or in other word, sharing). Again, the relationship does not demand compromising one's value over that of his spouse's, but the act of sharing and understanding the other side is paramount, according to the writer. These, naturally, encompass a whole gamut of aspects in a relationship including (but not limited to) feelings, experience, household duties, marital commitment, finance, success, failure, opinions, personal and religious values, children care, and familial obligations. Wow, quite a lot, huh, when you think about it.
The third theme is to value the uniqueness, in your spouse and in your offspring. Despite valuing highly of relationship equality, the relationship itself still consist of unique individuals with their own differences. The writer points out in two instances to never compare your wife and your kid to other people. If you must, compare them within the context of themselves, on their development and previous experience. Each of us is unique in our own way. Compare them with other people is unfair. You choose to be with your spouse, and you are entrusted for the care for your offspring. Take the responsibility and do not put yourself out from the picture.
There are more, I believe, but I'll end this up with the fourth theme, that of friendship. In a lot of circumstances, the writer argues that we view ourselves strictly to the role we played as husband and father, and failed to consider the role we can play with much more empathy, that as a friend. By assuming the role of a friend, you can communicate better with your wife. You tell stuff to your friend, joke and laugh together, and be there when your friend needs you. Being a friend to your kid allows you to relate better, have more fun, and realize what you would have missed from your life. The point is that by being their friend, you can actualize the equality you value from your marriage and in your family.]
This guide, also written in Bahasa Indonesia, is forwarded by a colleague of mine, Bayu, on 6 November 2006. I often refer him as cartoony, but I guess there's a reason to his behaviour. This article confirms what he had trying to explain to me.]
MARRIAGE GUIDE
CHAPTER I – Having a Marriage
Dua sisi
Generasi ayah kita, banyak sekali di mana mereka membanting tulang bekerja dengan istrinya menjadi ibu rumah tangga yang baik. Tidak ada yang salah dengan itu. Mereka semua membesarkan kita menjadi kita sekarang. Ada dua sisi yang jelas dari perkawinan modern:
1. Saya melihat bahwa wanita itu butuh juga kebanggaan terhadap dirinya ‘Saya bekerja, saya juga mencari nafkah’.
Di sini peran mereka juga lebih berat karena ganda. Siang mereka bekerja meski gajinya belum tentu sebesar kita (terkadang lebih), celakanya bagi istri yg suaminya 'dablek', mereka masih dipaksa melayani suamilah atau mengurusi anaklah. Di sinilah yang saya lihat bagus untuk diubah.
2. Dengan tingkat inflasi sekarang, wah susah juga jika kita hanya mengandalkan suami untuk bekerja, maka sisi pertama tadi, berhubungan dengan sisi ini.
Dari keduanya, lahir pemikiran dari saya, bahwa alangkah baiknya jika zaman sekarang suami lebih sensitif terhadap perasaan istri. Alangkah baiknya jika sang suami, juga berperan sebagai sedikit ibu karena istrinya telah berperan sebagai suami juga dengan ikut mencari nafkah. Ga salah jika kita sepulang kerja stop by di pasar buah dan nelpon istri ‘Ok, ini mungkin pertanyaan tolol, tapi, anggur itu cuman 2 warna kan? ’Atau ke Hero ‘Susu si kecil itu merknya apa ya? Aku berdiri depan lot susu buanyak buanget tapi lupa namanya...’ Atau bergantian ngelonin si kecil di kala dia rewel dan membiarkan istri istirahat. Semua itu adalah peran ibu yang memang baik untuk kita ambil alih sebagai tanda respek kita terhadap istri kita yang telah berperan ganda.
Lagian, malu juga dong masak sih istri bisa kerja, masak, ngasuh anak dan great in bed… tapi kitanya cuman bisa kerja doang? Ya ngga? Apa yang salah kaprah dengan dunia ini? Penyelesaian yang mereka ambil adalah baby sitter. Bego kan? Sering ga sih kita lihat pasangan bawa baby sitter, padahal mereka ga gendong apa-apa? Duh padahal, bayi itu menangis karena dia kangen sama degup jantung ibu di kala dia di dalam kandungan. Itu sebabnya dia diem kalau kita gendong. Eh, ini malah baby sitter yang gendong.
Lapis bawang
Pernikahan itu, seperti yang nenek saya pernah bilang, tidak lebih dari sekedar sebutir bawang (merah, putih, bombay, optional). Katanya, ‘Dit, pernikahan itu tidak lebih dari seperti bawang.’ ‘Sebenarnya tidak ada intinya. Kita hanya menjalani hari demi hari bersama orang yang kita sayangi. Ada kalanya kita menangis sedih. Pedihnya rumah tangga dirasa sama dengan kita mengupas bawang itu lapis demi lapis. Dan ada kalanya kita tertawa bahagia.’ ‘Nek, gimana kok bisa ngupas bawang tuh kok ya sampe ketawa? ‘Oh ya bisa, soalnya abis nangis, ngeliat ke baskom, bawang lain masih banyak.’ Saya ketawa terbahak-bahak hari itu.
Tapi intinya benar. Pernikahan itu seperti mengupas bawang lapis demi lapis. Pedih, dan membuat mata berair. Moral dari cerita nenek saya ini adalah, please make sure when she cries, you are there, crying with her. Feel what she feels and see what she sees. You don’t have to agree, but you do need to understand.
CHAPTER II – On Being a Husband
Okay, perfectly aware of the fact that I'm not married yet, and here we are sitting together, telling you all this. Apologies for that, I just think these kinds of things are good to know. I may not have enough maturity to do it when my time comes. But sure as hell, would like to try them.
Sahabat
Ada satu kunci yang ingin saya sampaikan untuk bisa menjadi suami yang sempurna di mata istri, hanya satu kata. Sahabat. Ada banyak peran yang kita harus bisa mainkan dalam rumah tangga. Sebagai suami karena kita menikahi dia. Sebagai kepala rumah tangga dan sebagai kuli, karena kita tulang punggung keluarga. Ada satu peran yang saya lihat jarang suami atau istri mainkan, yaitu sebagai sahabat.
Kecocokan
Dari pandangan gua nih, orang cerai karena mereka tidak cocok. Kenapa mereka tidak cocok? Karena mereka gagal menjadi sahabat satu sama lain. Ingat juga bahwa temen tidak ada bekas teman, namun istri, ada bekas istri. Iya kan? Merinding bombay ga sih melihat logikanya?
Menyelesaikan masalah
Ketika kita mampu memandang istri kita sebagai sahabat, kita bisa masuk ke dalam berbagai macam lapisan hidup dia. Saya melihat beberapa teman saya yang berhasil dalam hal ini, dan mereka bener-bener berumah tangga dengan baik. Mereka tidak butuh orang penengah jika bertengkar, karena mereka tahu, bahwa sahabat itu, bisa menyelesaikan masalah sendiri dengan baik.
Sahabat can keep secret better. Saya lihat juga bahwa rumah tangga seperti itu, mereka tidak butuh untuk cerita ke orang lain tentang masalah yang mereka miliki. Mereka bisa langsung ngomong ‘Saya ga suka kamu kayak gini.’ Ada lagi yang memiliki tahapan lebih aneh, di mana mereka benar-benar keluar dari box-nya ‘OK, sekarang kamu bukan istri saya, kamu sahabat saya. Saya mau komplen tentang istri saya.’
Berbagi luka
Ini misalnya saja ya. Jika kita suatu hari salah langkah dalam bisnis, kemudian semua tabungan kita 70 juta, amblas habis. Ada suatu sakit tak terhingga di hati kita di sana, pasti. Jika kita hanya mampu memandang istri sebagai istri, kita ga bakal tega bilang ‘Sayang, maaf ya, tabungan kita hilang.’ Potong jari sama saya, kamu setidaknya mikir 5 kali sebelum bilang ke istri. Di sana ada faktor malu karena gagal sebagai suami, gagal sebagai kepala rumah tangga, dan sejuta rasa gagal lainnya yang menumpuk.
Namun, semuanya akan lebih gampang, jika istri kita adalah sahabat kita juga. Jika kita mampu memandang dia sebagai sahabat kita ‘Say, kita kehilangan uang banyak.’ Kenapa ini mungkin? Karena dengan sahabat, kamu tidak perlu ada pride sebagai suami. Kamu bahkan tidak perlu mahar atau apply untuk jadi sahabat. Justru dengan sahabatlah kita bisa sesantai-santainya kita. Yang kamu butuh adalah kecocokan. Menjadi sahabat adalah hal termurah dalam dunia ini. Itulah sebabnya, amat penting bagi kita untuk mampu menganggap istri kita, sebagai sahabat. Of course you can disagree with that.
The comparing game
This is the game we hate the most, yet, the one we play all the time. Common sense can tell us bahwa jangan kita lakukan ini. Di saat kita have a fight. This is what you should avoid. 'Why can't you be more like her? Why can’t we be like them? Why can't... bla bla bla?' Rest assured there will come a time when we say this to her/him if we don't grow up enough.
Di kala kita merasa kurang puas dengan dia (dalam hal apa pun), ada baiknya kita mengingat kembali, that we chose to be with her and that when we kissed her forehead setelah ijab kabul, we chose to spend the rest of our life with her, and her only. We chose. We are what we are today, because of the choices we made yesterday. Jadi, jangan pernah sekali-kali membandingkan dia dengan orang lain karena we chose to be with her when we got married. So there is no more need to compare with other people, starting from that point.
The only healthy comparing games adalah seperti ini: ‘Why are we like this today?’ ‘Why can’t we be like we were before?’ Itu lebih sehat, karena kita tidak keluar dari konteks diri kita sendiri. Dan itu pun, sebelum kita melakukannya, kita harus bertanya dahulu ke diri sendiri ‘Apakah saya ada kontribusi terhadap memburuknya keadaan menjadi sekarang?’ Jika ya, berusahalah dulu memperbaiki diri karena mungkin saja kita yang salah, atau setidaknya kita yang salah dalam melihat. Atau malah, istri kita jadi nyebelin karena sebenernya kitanya yang ada salah... She was just reacting towards how we have been acting. Contoh yang jelek tentunya jika membanding-bandingkan dengan kondisi yang dimiliki orang lain atau dengan orang lain itu sendiri.
Mendukung dan mengalah
There is a twisted paradox towards these two things that we need to do in marriage. Terkadang, there's a clear cut between those two, but sometimes, kita mesti mendukung dengan cara mengalah, dan mengalah dengan cara mendukung. Kasusnya jelas banget. Misalkan suami ada tugas 5 tahun di Singapura, tapi istri juga lagi kencengnya ngembangin bisnis dia yang udah lama dirintis. What would you do? What would you choose? Apakah kita mau, expat sendirian? Apakah dia mau ninggalin impian dia yang udah lama dia rintis, demi nemenin suami 5 tahun doang? Terlebih lagi begini: Siapa yang harus mendukung siapa? Siapa yang harus nurut ke siapa? Siapa yang harus ngalah?
Saya pernah menanyakan hal itu pada pacar saya, dan kita setuju akan penyelesaian di bawah. Saya ga tau kamu, tapi kalo saya jadi suami, saya mending milih pergi sendiri. Why? My wife didn't go to university to serve me. Yes, I am the most important thing in her world. But remember, I am NOT the ONLY thing in her world. Saya yakin dia punya impian sendiri, ambisi sendiri yang dia ingin capai dan puaskan (see chapter one). As husbands, we need to respect that and support that at any cost.
Further, saya ga mau 30 tahun ke depan, pecahlah sebuah pertengkaran dan salah satu dari kita berkata 'I gave up MY career for you, for us, what did YOU do?' 'I made the sacrifice for us. You are what you are now because I buried myself.' 'You had your dream. I can never get mine back.' Okay, so maybe those examples are very extreme, and unlikely to be heard. But regardless, do we really want to hear that? I don't.
Ok, mungkin mereka ikhlas... tapi, kita juga harus mendukung dia. Dia harus mendukung kita. Dia adalah separuh nyawa kita, iya benar bahwa kita tidak bisa hidup tanpa dia. Tapi, apakah dia bisa hidup dengan penyesalan? Apakah penyesalan dia, bisa kita, suami, kompensasi? Syukur kalo bisa. Syukur kalo dia kita larang kerja tapi kita bisa provide everything she needs, lahir batin, uang love and respect for her. Kalo ngga? gimana? itu berarti, in a sense, kita minta dia untuk berkorban dua kali. Don't make her do that.
I don't know about you, but I don't want to be with someone yang memiliki penyesalan dalam hidupnya... kita bakalan capek seumur hidup trying to cheer her up and compensate her. Mereka sebagai istri, di kebanyakan kasus ga ambil masalah. Mereka mungkin ikhlas, karena memang basically istri kudu nurut ama suami. But do we really want to do that to her? I sure as hell, don't. Tapi, inget, bahwa ini juga bisa terjadi kebalikannya.
CHAPTER III – Being a Father
Ok, ini rada berat nih. Saya belum pernah jadi ayah, tapi kamu dan saya, pernah jadi anak, so, bear with me and here we go.
Spend time with them
Saya pernah baca di Intisari edisi psikologi anak, bahwa penelitian memperlihatkan anak-anak yang menghabiskan waktu dengan ayahnya lebih banyak, lebih berprestasi di sekolah, anaknya cenderung lebih pintar. Hal in sangat logis. Bayangin aja. Dia main Lego sendiri. Dia bingung dong mau bikin apa. Tapi kalau kamu mau sediain waktu buat actually asik-asikan ikut main. Dia di usia muda udah bisa membaca pola pikir kamu. Of course kita tidak memaksa dia berpikir rumus regresi linier, itu akan mematikan kreativitas anak. Tapi kita bisa contohkan sedikit agar kreativitas itu tumbuh. Jadilah katalis, bukan fasis.
Di sini ada sesuatu yang simple yang banyak orang lewatkan. Si ibu udah kerja. pulang kerja, masak abis itu ngasuh anak, manage rumah tangga, bla bla bla, capek. Jadinya sesempurnanya ibu, adalah wajar dan bukan salah dia kalo beberapa kali dia kelewat mengajari anak padahal constant teaching and sampling sangat penting di anak balita. Di situlah wajib adanya peran ayah. Ayah menutup lubang-lubang, di mana sang ibu terlalu capek atau tidak memperhatikan. Sehabis makan malam, ya ketimbang gettin’ jiggy with mommy ada baiknya kita ngobrol-ngobrol dengan anak, meski pun obrolan itu ngaco seperti ‘Guru di sekolah kamu bau kelek yah?’ Ok mungkin itu bukan contoh yang baik, tapi you get the point kan? Spend time with them.
Good cop, Bad cop
Misalnya dimarahi ayah atau ibu. Sehabis dimarahi salah satu (ayah atau ibu), yang lainnya sebaiknya datang dan menjelaskan ‘Gini loh nak, maksud si ibu/ayah itu…’ to make sure bahwa they get the point dan mereka sadar bahwa mereka dimarahi karena kita sayang, bukan sumpalan amarah saja. Tapi di sini juga hati-hati karena terkadang jika baru dimarahin banget, sang anak akan capek mendengar hal yang sama meski disampaikan dengan halus, so be careful on this one.
Build their confidence
Sebagai manusia, tonggak momen terpenting dalam sebuah usaha bukanlah di saat kita sukses dan berkata ‘Ya, saya berhasil.’ Yang paling krusial adalah di saat semua masih nol dan berani berkata ‘Ya, saya pasti bisa.’ Tak pelak lagi bahwa kita perlu sekali membangun PD (percaya diri) dalam anak-anak kita agar dia bisa yakin dengan dirinya sendiri bahwa dia bisa survive di dunia ketika dewasa nanti. Membangun ini tidak mudah. Ada paradoksnya:
Pertama, kita harus ada di samping dia di saat-saat sangat muda dan menyemangati dia ‘Ayo ganteng, kamu bisa!’ Dia jatuh ‘Ah ga papa, presiden juga pernah jatuh, ayo coba lagi.’ ‘Ayo sini ayah ajarin manjat pohon, ayah pegangin.’
Kemudian, as time goes by ‘Kamu berani kan manjat pohon sendiri, ayah ga megangin… oh by the way, jambunya dua tolong ya,’ (ok, that’s not a good dad, that’s me).
Kemudian di kala dia dewasa, kita justru yang harus berani melepas mereka sendiri ke dunia. ‘Ayo sana usaha sendiri, be tough kamu pasti bisa.’ Jika dia habis menggambar, meski jelek, tolong dipigura dan dipajang. Itu sudah terbukti, bisa menumbuhkan percaya diri ke dia. Tapi jangan jelek-jelek amat yang dipajang. Kalau dia ga bisa gambar ya jangan dipajang. Kenapa? Takutnya nanti bisa misleading dia. Inti dari memasang gambar itu adalah bahwa kita sebagai orang tua berusaha membuat sang anak merasa ‘Wah, karya gua dianggap penting loh sama ayah… sure dad, I will draw even better than that one.’
Ever walk in a park where there are a lot of kids playing with their parents? I do that almost all the time. The one thing I heard all the time is 'Mommy mommy look at me,' when they do something. At hat moment, they need appreciation, they need boosting. They need someone to say 'There u go, that’s my girl.' 'You are so brave.' 'Keep at it kid,' make sure you say that to them, when the time comes. Semua itu adalah proses seumur hidup yang kita bangun ke diri anak kita dari dia mulai bayi sampai pergi ke Copenhagen and get kissed by a Dutch girl.
Comparisons
Tentunya sebagai ayah yang bijak, kamu tahu sendiri bahwa membandingkan anak kita dengan anak lain adalah destruktif. Intinya, memang kita sebaiknya menghindari membandingkan dengan individu lain. Setiap manusia terlahir unik. Tidak ada duanya. Tidak ada kembaran identiknya kecuali dikloning.
Atas dasar itu, kita lebih baik memotivasi dia dengan membandingkan dia dengan dia sendiri. ‘Are you a better person now than you were yesterday?’ ‘Ayo, kemaren kan udah hafal perkalian, berarti sekarang harus bisa pembagian.’ Atau, jika dia IQ-nya 245, ‘Ayo, kemarin kan sudah multiple regression sekarang bisa dong logit biner,’ sorry, that was just a joke.
Inti dari sub-bab ini adalah, compare them with themselves sebelumnya. Tanamkan ke dalam diri mereka (sejalan dengan kedewasaan mereka tentunya) bahwa pribadi yang baik adalah pribadi yang berkembang dan bertambah baik sejalan dengan waktu.
The Peter Pan syndrome
Peter Pan adalah seorang anak yang hidup di Neverland. Di sana dia tidak mengalami proses penuaan. Dia tidak mau turun ke Bumi karena dia tahu bahwa jika dia tinggal di Bumi, dia akan dewasa dan menua. Setiap manusia memiliki sifat ini. Sejalan dengan tumbuh dan dewasanya anak sebaiknya kita kikis sifat ini.
Adalah hal yang penting untuk kita tanamkan ke mereka bahwa hal terbaik untuk mengatasi masalah adalah dengan menghadapinya, meski itu pahit. OK, kita jangan berpikir agunan rumah dulu. Contoh kecil, sehabis puas bermain Lego yang berserakan, kita harus tanamkan ke dia bahwa main Lego bisa seru, tapi afterwards, kita harus membereskannya.
Every action has consequences and we should face it, deal with it, and solve it. Itu yang kita sebaiknya tanamkan ke mereka dari kecil, dengan skala yang sesuai juga tentunya.
Setting example
At the break of a dawn, just before a great battle, a great commander said to his army, ‘What we do in life, echoes in eternity.’ In a way, hal yang sama juga terjadi pada anak kita. The things we do, the words we say and the way that we are, as a father, echoes in their minds, carved in their memories and reflected on their future. Mark those words, they are for real.
Kenapa bisa begitu? Karena bagi kita, orang tua, anak kita memang penting, tapi anak bukanlah satu-satunya hal yg kita urus. Cicilan, kerjaan, istri, rumah, de el and el. Itulah dunia kita. Apa dunia anak-anak kita? Dunia anak kita, hanyalah kita. Their universe, DOES evolve around us, parents. To them we are their everything. We are the first people they learn about life from.
So how do we act as parents? Do we have to be perfect? No. Do we have to tell them things? Not always. What then? We set examples. Be a role model to them. Don’t just tell them to do things, tapi biasakan diri kita untuk melakukannya. “Kamu harus olahraga biar tinggi” (tapi ngomongnya sambil ngerokok). That’s not setting an example. Jangan suruh mereka sholat jika kita sendiri sholatnya suka pas injury time. Jangan ceramahin mereka untuk bersabar jika sekali aja kita disalip bajaj, ngumpat-ngumpatnya 2 malem. Jangan suruh anak makan bayem kalo kita sendiri ga suka sayur. Set example.
To them, we are their everything. They will at first, do the things we do. So, before becoming a father, make sure bahwa kita siap memberi contoh.
Sahabat
Yes, terhadap anak kita, justru kita bagusnya menjadi sahabat selain menjadi ayah. Jangan coba-coba memasukkan logika kita ke pemikiran dia. “Kok kamu maen sapu sih? Ga bener tuh ayo taro sapunya ntar cacingan lagi.’ Percaya atau ngga, itu bahaya. Kita memasukkan logika orang dewasa kita, ke anak umur 4 tahun. They are kids, let them stay as kids. Mereka memang seharusnya menghayal. That’s normal and healthy (defensive banget ya gua?). Bukannya mau ngajarin nih, (gua juga belum punya anak), tapi hal yang tepat menyikapinya adalah ‘kamu lagi ngehayal apa hari ini? kok pake sapu?’ ‘Jadi nenek sihir yah,’ ‘Wah ayah jadi jin kadut deh, bentar ayah make sarung yah.’ Ambil tuh sarung, bikin deh tuh rumah ribut dengan tawa canda kita dan anak kita. Potong jari sama saya, suara mesin Mercedez Class C, kalah indah sama suara tawa itu.
Ada banyak sekali di dunia anak yang kita sudah lupa untuk mengerti sejalan dengan kita makin dewasa. Itu yang bahaya. Jangan kamu buang sifat anak kecilmu itu demi kedewasaan karena kamu akan membutuhkan sifat kekanak-kanakan kamu, untuk berteman dengan anakmu sendiri. Ini adalah yang paling penting dari semua hal yang gua share sekarang.
Jujur, gua pernah bilang ke temen, ‘Gua menolak to grow up more at this point,’ ‘Why?’ ‘Karena gua pengen masih bisa nyambung ngomong sama anak gua nanti.’
THE END
[Phew, that was a bit long. Lots of themes and messages in this guide, despite its abrupt ending. Though, that's probably why Bayu loves it so much. It ends on his favorite part. But, let's talk about the themes.
This article assumes its readers have made the decision to marry or have married. The writer is sharing his view and experience to his buddies, all married or about to get married. He starts early in addressing the importance of equality in marital relationship and expands on that theme in various parts of his essay. According to him, marriage does not demand total compromise from the wife's part. On the contrary, it acknowledges the wife's dream, ambition, and sense of self-purpose. Healthy relationship occurs when both sides view each other as equal and communications can go two-way.
Piggy-backing on the equality theme, comes the second major theme, that is of sharing. Because both sides are equal, it calls for equal access to and from each side (or in other word, sharing). Again, the relationship does not demand compromising one's value over that of his spouse's, but the act of sharing and understanding the other side is paramount, according to the writer. These, naturally, encompass a whole gamut of aspects in a relationship including (but not limited to) feelings, experience, household duties, marital commitment, finance, success, failure, opinions, personal and religious values, children care, and familial obligations. Wow, quite a lot, huh, when you think about it.
The third theme is to value the uniqueness, in your spouse and in your offspring. Despite valuing highly of relationship equality, the relationship itself still consist of unique individuals with their own differences. The writer points out in two instances to never compare your wife and your kid to other people. If you must, compare them within the context of themselves, on their development and previous experience. Each of us is unique in our own way. Compare them with other people is unfair. You choose to be with your spouse, and you are entrusted for the care for your offspring. Take the responsibility and do not put yourself out from the picture.
There are more, I believe, but I'll end this up with the fourth theme, that of friendship. In a lot of circumstances, the writer argues that we view ourselves strictly to the role we played as husband and father, and failed to consider the role we can play with much more empathy, that as a friend. By assuming the role of a friend, you can communicate better with your wife. You tell stuff to your friend, joke and laugh together, and be there when your friend needs you. Being a friend to your kid allows you to relate better, have more fun, and realize what you would have missed from your life. The point is that by being their friend, you can actualize the equality you value from your marriage and in your family.]
Monday, September 15, 2008
Astrocenter Report - Part 12
[Hmm.. if you thought I had forgotten about this report, you are sorely mistaken, hohoho..]
YOGA is trying to integrate himself. This purpose in life sometimes makes him aware of the futility of some of his behavior. Something drives him to wish to change his lifestyle. However, he tarries, feeling as though the time is not yet ripe for change. Angered by his inner contradictions, he is sometimes peremptory, uncompromising, and imperious with other people. At other times, he feels empty. But he will learn that the less he hides about himself, the happier he will be. In terms of his emotional relationships, YOGA is open to life and love, although he remains aware that relationships are sometimes subject to unseen influences. As a result, his approach to love is sometimes more psychological than emotional, and he may sometimes feel somewhat misunderstood. A certain anxiety compels him to look for the meaning of things, which necessitates emotional detachment. But his detachment hides a complex and extremely sensitive inner nature.
Although YOGA sometimes seems aloof from contact with others and reveals little of his inner world, it is due to a need for protection. Nevertheless, he can be fairly manipulative and he enjoys wielding power over others. He often makes his life far more complicated than need be, and love relationships are his weak point, because the prospect of abandoning himself frightens him sometimes. Thus, in a love relationship, he controls as much as he is controlled. Generally speaking, his uncompromising opinions and his "all or nothing" policy can create some difficulties for him, when it comes to falling in love, or finding the perfect match. Fortunately, YOGA is quite amenable to solitude, and will be able to bide his time patiently until his soul mate appears. He should not forget that love is one of the major means of self-transformation, and that if he manages to shed his unreasonable fear of abandoning himself, he will progress more quickly. His need for control may come from an unconscious anxiety about death.
[I'm not really sure the form of my anxiety over death, perhaps it goes back to a more fundamental anxiety of finding my purpose in life. Hence, the anxiety of death without knowing my purpose in life. As I am trying to figure that out, my inner world bring about contradictions between myself and my attempt to understand life's purpose.
I do have unexplainable inner contradictions, although I'm unsure if that is the cause of my complicated life, or if that is my own creation to hide my "extremely sensitive inner nature".
Maybe that what make me seems aloof from outside contacts, and I do keep a large part of my inner world to myself. Perhaps, it is a protection, from the prospect of abandoning myself. Strange, huh? Well, not really. I am quite a self-conscious person, and I have this perception that I would be abandoned if I share more of my inner world to others. I have tried to share them, and indeed, it freed some of my anxiety and in turns, made me happier. But, that perception is still there and probably not so easily dismissed.
I am okay being in a solitude, and so far have managed to ward off that feeling of wanting to fall in love, until recently. As my match came unexpectedly, the barriers fall gradually and the layers is shed piece by piece. Is this a reminder that love is one of major means to self-transform? At this time, I began to feel more religious and spiritual. Maybe it is because of Ramadan, or maybe it is that process of self-transformation at work.]
YOGA is trying to integrate himself. This purpose in life sometimes makes him aware of the futility of some of his behavior. Something drives him to wish to change his lifestyle. However, he tarries, feeling as though the time is not yet ripe for change. Angered by his inner contradictions, he is sometimes peremptory, uncompromising, and imperious with other people. At other times, he feels empty. But he will learn that the less he hides about himself, the happier he will be. In terms of his emotional relationships, YOGA is open to life and love, although he remains aware that relationships are sometimes subject to unseen influences. As a result, his approach to love is sometimes more psychological than emotional, and he may sometimes feel somewhat misunderstood. A certain anxiety compels him to look for the meaning of things, which necessitates emotional detachment. But his detachment hides a complex and extremely sensitive inner nature.
Although YOGA sometimes seems aloof from contact with others and reveals little of his inner world, it is due to a need for protection. Nevertheless, he can be fairly manipulative and he enjoys wielding power over others. He often makes his life far more complicated than need be, and love relationships are his weak point, because the prospect of abandoning himself frightens him sometimes. Thus, in a love relationship, he controls as much as he is controlled. Generally speaking, his uncompromising opinions and his "all or nothing" policy can create some difficulties for him, when it comes to falling in love, or finding the perfect match. Fortunately, YOGA is quite amenable to solitude, and will be able to bide his time patiently until his soul mate appears. He should not forget that love is one of the major means of self-transformation, and that if he manages to shed his unreasonable fear of abandoning himself, he will progress more quickly. His need for control may come from an unconscious anxiety about death.
[I'm not really sure the form of my anxiety over death, perhaps it goes back to a more fundamental anxiety of finding my purpose in life. Hence, the anxiety of death without knowing my purpose in life. As I am trying to figure that out, my inner world bring about contradictions between myself and my attempt to understand life's purpose.
I do have unexplainable inner contradictions, although I'm unsure if that is the cause of my complicated life, or if that is my own creation to hide my "extremely sensitive inner nature".
Maybe that what make me seems aloof from outside contacts, and I do keep a large part of my inner world to myself. Perhaps, it is a protection, from the prospect of abandoning myself. Strange, huh? Well, not really. I am quite a self-conscious person, and I have this perception that I would be abandoned if I share more of my inner world to others. I have tried to share them, and indeed, it freed some of my anxiety and in turns, made me happier. But, that perception is still there and probably not so easily dismissed.
I am okay being in a solitude, and so far have managed to ward off that feeling of wanting to fall in love, until recently. As my match came unexpectedly, the barriers fall gradually and the layers is shed piece by piece. Is this a reminder that love is one of major means to self-transform? At this time, I began to feel more religious and spiritual. Maybe it is because of Ramadan, or maybe it is that process of self-transformation at work.]
~ to be continued ~
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Astrocenter Report - Part 11
[Okay, back to Astrocenter, like it when I can write during lunchtime]
Flexible and adaptable, YOGA feels a need to analyze and interpret the situations he encounters, to learn the reason for his behavior. But since his mind never lingers long, he may sometimes be a little superficial.
YOGA may have been subject to some traumatic experiences in childhood which left a mark on his personality. Perhaps his parents or teachers were overly authoritarian or rigid. If this occurred, he may have closed himself off in self-defense from an environment he found hostile; early in life, he may have developed a thick, tough, adult skin. Regardless of these environmental factors, and aside from what was just said, YOGA has a fairly serious personality. He tends to be cold and at times intransigent. He sometimes refuses to admit he made a mistake. If he feels ashamed, he will immediately lose faith and confidence in himself, taking refuge in such tried-and-true values as conservatism and discipline for discipline's sake. Nevertheless, time is on his side, and gradually he may come closer to the perfection he desires. His life is subject to Saturn's orbit and may be segmented into significant seven-year periods.
[Yup, that's me, flexible and adaptable. Not so much overtly analytical but to people who aren't used it, tend to view me as such. Heck, I even analyze this Astrocenter Report on myself!
Yes, there were traumatic experiences in my childhood which I think may explain some of the behaviors and attitude of mine. I considered myself a reserved and guarded individual, especially when entering a new environment. At times I could be stubborn by refusing to admit my mistake. I had realized this when a friend of mine actually pointed it out to me, so I try to make conscious attempts, ever since, to recognize whenever I did that and evaluate my mistakes.
True on the sentence - looking for perfection - though I am not as perfectionist as I used to be, which is good. I don't understand the meaning of the seven-year life cycle. So far, I would have lived through almost four of such cycle. Maybe I need to wait for more time before I could grasp of what it tries to say.]
Flexible and adaptable, YOGA feels a need to analyze and interpret the situations he encounters, to learn the reason for his behavior. But since his mind never lingers long, he may sometimes be a little superficial.
YOGA may have been subject to some traumatic experiences in childhood which left a mark on his personality. Perhaps his parents or teachers were overly authoritarian or rigid. If this occurred, he may have closed himself off in self-defense from an environment he found hostile; early in life, he may have developed a thick, tough, adult skin. Regardless of these environmental factors, and aside from what was just said, YOGA has a fairly serious personality. He tends to be cold and at times intransigent. He sometimes refuses to admit he made a mistake. If he feels ashamed, he will immediately lose faith and confidence in himself, taking refuge in such tried-and-true values as conservatism and discipline for discipline's sake. Nevertheless, time is on his side, and gradually he may come closer to the perfection he desires. His life is subject to Saturn's orbit and may be segmented into significant seven-year periods.
[Yup, that's me, flexible and adaptable. Not so much overtly analytical but to people who aren't used it, tend to view me as such. Heck, I even analyze this Astrocenter Report on myself!
Yes, there were traumatic experiences in my childhood which I think may explain some of the behaviors and attitude of mine. I considered myself a reserved and guarded individual, especially when entering a new environment. At times I could be stubborn by refusing to admit my mistake. I had realized this when a friend of mine actually pointed it out to me, so I try to make conscious attempts, ever since, to recognize whenever I did that and evaluate my mistakes.
True on the sentence - looking for perfection - though I am not as perfectionist as I used to be, which is good. I don't understand the meaning of the seven-year life cycle. So far, I would have lived through almost four of such cycle. Maybe I need to wait for more time before I could grasp of what it tries to say.]
~ to be continued ~
Saturday, October 06, 2007
Astrocenter Report - Part 10
[I guess it's okay to be back to the 'ol Astrocenter Report and finish it in several writings before year ends, and start other psychological assessments]
Strongest Domains
Relations with Others:
YOGA may in time experiment with a dual form of companionship (marriage or intimate relationship) which symbolizes two aspects of his psyche.
Other people tend to imitate YOGA. They try to merge with his personality and demands, or influence him in a harmful way. tends to identify strongly with his childhood experiences. His past is deeply imprinted on him, and linked to an array of warm, positive impressions, but it also conveys the feelings of vulnerability and weakness inherent to childhood. Psychologically, YOGA is ruled by the
Mother-Image - that is, by a need for security and protection. The relationship he had with his mother, or a mother-figure, means a great deal to him. This image is associated with the idea of emotional security, but it may also be related to an insecurity about orality, the woman, and food.
As an adult, YOGA will probably find that women play an important role in his life. In everyday life, his mood follows the meandering of his feelings of security. He is sometimes hesitant and anxious; fairly passive, he is often borne along by events instead of causing them. Generally, he makes use of his subjectivity to perceive reality, and he is very sensitive. He likes change and novelty, as well as appearing in public, although he is sometimes shy.
[Ruled by the Mother-Image. Hmm.. there is some truth in there, where I long for security and protection in a relationship. I can do well on my own, but I guess I look for those qualities in my future relationship, or is it why I haven't been in one?
Hesitant and anxious, passively allowed events to shape oneself. This one also rings some truth. I actively affect changes, but probably more than I would allow to admit, I got affected more by the revolving events around me than the other way around. I don't know, some people like my easy-going attitude, and probably this confirms it.
I am mostly shy, but then again, maybe that's just because I am an introvert. I like trying something new, and that's probably why I like changes. And come to think of it, I guess I do like appearing in public judging from the number of invitations I attended this year alone, be it formal or informal.]
Strongest Domains
Relations with Others:
YOGA may in time experiment with a dual form of companionship (marriage or intimate relationship) which symbolizes two aspects of his psyche.
Other people tend to imitate YOGA. They try to merge with his personality and demands, or influence him in a harmful way. tends to identify strongly with his childhood experiences. His past is deeply imprinted on him, and linked to an array of warm, positive impressions, but it also conveys the feelings of vulnerability and weakness inherent to childhood. Psychologically, YOGA is ruled by the
Mother-Image - that is, by a need for security and protection. The relationship he had with his mother, or a mother-figure, means a great deal to him. This image is associated with the idea of emotional security, but it may also be related to an insecurity about orality, the woman, and food.
As an adult, YOGA will probably find that women play an important role in his life. In everyday life, his mood follows the meandering of his feelings of security. He is sometimes hesitant and anxious; fairly passive, he is often borne along by events instead of causing them. Generally, he makes use of his subjectivity to perceive reality, and he is very sensitive. He likes change and novelty, as well as appearing in public, although he is sometimes shy.
[Ruled by the Mother-Image. Hmm.. there is some truth in there, where I long for security and protection in a relationship. I can do well on my own, but I guess I look for those qualities in my future relationship, or is it why I haven't been in one?
Hesitant and anxious, passively allowed events to shape oneself. This one also rings some truth. I actively affect changes, but probably more than I would allow to admit, I got affected more by the revolving events around me than the other way around. I don't know, some people like my easy-going attitude, and probably this confirms it.
I am mostly shy, but then again, maybe that's just because I am an introvert. I like trying something new, and that's probably why I like changes. And come to think of it, I guess I do like appearing in public judging from the number of invitations I attended this year alone, be it formal or informal.]
~ to be continued ~
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Astrocenter Report - Part 9
Instinctive Motivations:
Restraint, control, discipline, excellence.
Assimilation; sense of association and cooperation.
Primary Psychological Functions:
Perceiving, identifying, establishing, justifying.
Communicating, discussing, uniting, reconciling.
Career Activities and Resources:
Controlling, counting, filing, analyzing, measuring, refining, grasping, checking, regulating, fabricating, providing care.
Balancing, reconciling, respecting, harmonizing, refining, embellishing.
Symbolic Tools and Elements:
Health, animals, small objects, manufactured goods.
Luxuries, amusements, recreational objects; the good and the beautiful.
[I don't quite understand how to integrate all the above to the larger assessment. However, several items strike me as quite accurate.
Sense of association is indeed one of my primary characteristics for having an ideal career.
I don't know what the psychological function is suppose to mean, but discussion is one item from those listed that I revel on.
Career activities are pretty much on the "mundane" (or "conventional" as Merkler would have categorize it) with the exception of analyzing and checking (of course, depends on the scope).
I don't know what symbolic tool meant either, but it may explain why I love electrical gadgets alot (small objects and manufactured goods?). Well, talking about manufactured goods, turns out that food is also one of them. For the amusement and recreational object, I like movies and books (particularly comic books and magazines).]
Restraint, control, discipline, excellence.
Assimilation; sense of association and cooperation.
Primary Psychological Functions:
Perceiving, identifying, establishing, justifying.
Communicating, discussing, uniting, reconciling.
Career Activities and Resources:
Controlling, counting, filing, analyzing, measuring, refining, grasping, checking, regulating, fabricating, providing care.
Balancing, reconciling, respecting, harmonizing, refining, embellishing.
Symbolic Tools and Elements:
Health, animals, small objects, manufactured goods.
Luxuries, amusements, recreational objects; the good and the beautiful.
[I don't quite understand how to integrate all the above to the larger assessment. However, several items strike me as quite accurate.
Sense of association is indeed one of my primary characteristics for having an ideal career.
I don't know what the psychological function is suppose to mean, but discussion is one item from those listed that I revel on.
Career activities are pretty much on the "mundane" (or "conventional" as Merkler would have categorize it) with the exception of analyzing and checking (of course, depends on the scope).
I don't know what symbolic tool meant either, but it may explain why I love electrical gadgets alot (small objects and manufactured goods?). Well, talking about manufactured goods, turns out that food is also one of them. For the amusement and recreational object, I like movies and books (particularly comic books and magazines).]
~ to be continued ~
Saturday, February 19, 2005
Astrocenter Report - Part 8
Career Keywords:
Endowed with an analytical mind, a sense of logic, and great powers of concentration, YOGA has the ability to learn a specialty and assimilate all sorts of techniques easily. He is also an extremely conscientious and hard worker, with a sense of integrity and a fondness for a job well done. His inferiority complex and a certain reluctance to communicate, as well as an occasional lack of determination and a tendency to obey orders unquestioningly could nevertheless be obstacles to his success.
The desire for power and greatness is a strong motivation for YOGA. He is fairly self-confident and may sometimes tend to be domineering. The need for recognition and admiration is one of YOGA's primary motivations. He is gratified by honors and respect, and aims for personal prestige.
[The first paragraph is quite boastful, but I would have to say that there's a lot of truth there. My Friendster testimonials can attend to that. Though it contradicts the second paragraph at the same time.
So, in bits and pieces: the introvert characteristic of the first paragraph is mostly true as well as the inherent quest for personal satisfaction in the second paragraph. Money is not my primary motivations, though it's more like sense of belonging or affiliation rather than need for recognition and admiration.]
Endowed with an analytical mind, a sense of logic, and great powers of concentration, YOGA has the ability to learn a specialty and assimilate all sorts of techniques easily. He is also an extremely conscientious and hard worker, with a sense of integrity and a fondness for a job well done. His inferiority complex and a certain reluctance to communicate, as well as an occasional lack of determination and a tendency to obey orders unquestioningly could nevertheless be obstacles to his success.
The desire for power and greatness is a strong motivation for YOGA. He is fairly self-confident and may sometimes tend to be domineering. The need for recognition and admiration is one of YOGA's primary motivations. He is gratified by honors and respect, and aims for personal prestige.
[The first paragraph is quite boastful, but I would have to say that there's a lot of truth there. My Friendster testimonials can attend to that. Though it contradicts the second paragraph at the same time.
So, in bits and pieces: the introvert characteristic of the first paragraph is mostly true as well as the inherent quest for personal satisfaction in the second paragraph. Money is not my primary motivations, though it's more like sense of belonging or affiliation rather than need for recognition and admiration.]
~ to be continued ~
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Astrocenter Report - Part 7
The words that are his keys to success:
Honesty - Care - Modesty - To serve - To toil - To count.
YOGA feels capable of achieving his goals alone, because he is the only vehicle for them.
YOGA's perfectionism and scrupulousness sometimes hobble him with short-sightedness and inhibition in his search for a way to fit into society. His striving for discipline and order may cramp his expansion and keep him from obtaining mastery over a material world in which he is too closely engaged. He is so meticulous about the details of his job that he sometimes fails to see the whole picture. It is hard for him to stand back and assess all his resources and possibilities, so he is sometimes forced to toil away at correcting the little mistakes he encounters on a day-to-day basis. Nevertheless, his manual and intellectual talents and his logical and analytical mind are the key to a number of career possibilities: teaching technical or hard science, medicine, etc.
For YOGA, the work world must arouse his sustained interest. He has a need to commit himself to it personally, and everything he accomplishes has to bear the seal of his personality. His ideals are fairly high, and he is liable to experience some frustration when they are not completely fulfilled. He has certain artistic leanings, and although he may not commit himself to an artistic career, the work he does produce will certainly display his sense of harmony, composition, and good taste.
[Some parts of my ideal career is correctly described here. That it has to be stimulating enough for me so I can commit myself fully to it.
I admit that I often set high expectations, and sometimes get frustrated by not achieving them, though this doesn't happen often since I'm also realistic about my own ability. The liabilities that I may experience from being meticulous and orderly is well noted, though I haven't personally see them affecting me in significant ways.
The artsy part. Yes, this is true. My teammates in college can attest to this trait since I was often the designated designer for papers, presentations, and advertisement samples. It probably won't win any awards from the art school, but it was enough to give our materials the professional look they need.]
Honesty - Care - Modesty - To serve - To toil - To count.
YOGA feels capable of achieving his goals alone, because he is the only vehicle for them.
YOGA's perfectionism and scrupulousness sometimes hobble him with short-sightedness and inhibition in his search for a way to fit into society. His striving for discipline and order may cramp his expansion and keep him from obtaining mastery over a material world in which he is too closely engaged. He is so meticulous about the details of his job that he sometimes fails to see the whole picture. It is hard for him to stand back and assess all his resources and possibilities, so he is sometimes forced to toil away at correcting the little mistakes he encounters on a day-to-day basis. Nevertheless, his manual and intellectual talents and his logical and analytical mind are the key to a number of career possibilities: teaching technical or hard science, medicine, etc.
For YOGA, the work world must arouse his sustained interest. He has a need to commit himself to it personally, and everything he accomplishes has to bear the seal of his personality. His ideals are fairly high, and he is liable to experience some frustration when they are not completely fulfilled. He has certain artistic leanings, and although he may not commit himself to an artistic career, the work he does produce will certainly display his sense of harmony, composition, and good taste.
[Some parts of my ideal career is correctly described here. That it has to be stimulating enough for me so I can commit myself fully to it.
I admit that I often set high expectations, and sometimes get frustrated by not achieving them, though this doesn't happen often since I'm also realistic about my own ability. The liabilities that I may experience from being meticulous and orderly is well noted, though I haven't personally see them affecting me in significant ways.
The artsy part. Yes, this is true. My teammates in college can attest to this trait since I was often the designated designer for papers, presentations, and advertisement samples. It probably won't win any awards from the art school, but it was enough to give our materials the professional look they need.]
~ to be continued ~
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Astrocenter Report - Part 6
Ambitions and Motivations:
YOGA cannot conceive of a career which does not involve diversity and motion. He is full of humor and wit, gifted for communication and trade. His insatiable curiosity may induce him to pursue several goals simultaneously. He has an appetite for learning new things every day, and would be uncomfortable in a static or monotonous occupation. His ability to adapt and his learning skills would certainly be his best personal resources for career development. However, his carelessness and nonchalance may play a few tricks on him.
[One essential thing from this post is the diversity in my occupation. I think it could either be content or duty or both. I like variety in my job, which is probably already mentioned before. It doesn't really matter whether it is the task that I do or the scope of a given task. Although ideally be both, but as long as either one has variety in it, I'm in.
The paragraph also touches a bit about my flexibility by mentioning my ability to adapt and my learning skills as well as my sense of curiosity. Merkler personal assessment gives a good explanation about this trait, but I won't dig into Merkler just yet.]
YOGA cannot conceive of a career which does not involve diversity and motion. He is full of humor and wit, gifted for communication and trade. His insatiable curiosity may induce him to pursue several goals simultaneously. He has an appetite for learning new things every day, and would be uncomfortable in a static or monotonous occupation. His ability to adapt and his learning skills would certainly be his best personal resources for career development. However, his carelessness and nonchalance may play a few tricks on him.
[One essential thing from this post is the diversity in my occupation. I think it could either be content or duty or both. I like variety in my job, which is probably already mentioned before. It doesn't really matter whether it is the task that I do or the scope of a given task. Although ideally be both, but as long as either one has variety in it, I'm in.
The paragraph also touches a bit about my flexibility by mentioning my ability to adapt and my learning skills as well as my sense of curiosity. Merkler personal assessment gives a good explanation about this trait, but I won't dig into Merkler just yet.]
~ to be continued ~
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Astrocenter Report - Part 5
Talents and Abilities:
As an employee, YOGA needs to feel like a free agent. He is quite independent and will only occasionally work with a team, on a specific task. He is especially attracted to unconventional work environments where innovative techniques and structures are the norm.
YOGA's penchant for examining the mysterious, hidden side of human relations and things in general may seem enigmatic and twisted to some. Psychologically, he is shrewd and clever, but he does not always try to be diplomatic in his relations with others.
YOGA is pragmatic, and figures that any work deserves a salary. More than most, he has a gift for speculation as well as a talent for money management. He rarely loses sight of his interests, and increasing his personal wealth is one of his main motivations.
[I guess most of them are true. I am quite flexible with workplace settings, I can do teamwork or solo and switch depending on the task. Being a double-major taught me to balance between the two.
The penchant for mysterious stuff has been there all along. I call it "curiosity". This is the part of me that got people consider me as a "deep thinker". I might not be as socialite in the past, but I have improved a lot during my college years.
Pragmatism has been a balancing trait of my personality. I'm pragmatic enough not to be delusional, but also enough to not hinder my creative thinking.
Money management still hold my interest. So, if I don't get to use it at work, I'll just manage my own money then.]
~ to be continued ~
As an employee, YOGA needs to feel like a free agent. He is quite independent and will only occasionally work with a team, on a specific task. He is especially attracted to unconventional work environments where innovative techniques and structures are the norm.
YOGA's penchant for examining the mysterious, hidden side of human relations and things in general may seem enigmatic and twisted to some. Psychologically, he is shrewd and clever, but he does not always try to be diplomatic in his relations with others.
YOGA is pragmatic, and figures that any work deserves a salary. More than most, he has a gift for speculation as well as a talent for money management. He rarely loses sight of his interests, and increasing his personal wealth is one of his main motivations.
[I guess most of them are true. I am quite flexible with workplace settings, I can do teamwork or solo and switch depending on the task. Being a double-major taught me to balance between the two.
The penchant for mysterious stuff has been there all along. I call it "curiosity". This is the part of me that got people consider me as a "deep thinker". I might not be as socialite in the past, but I have improved a lot during my college years.
Pragmatism has been a balancing trait of my personality. I'm pragmatic enough not to be delusional, but also enough to not hinder my creative thinking.
Money management still hold my interest. So, if I don't get to use it at work, I'll just manage my own money then.]
~ to be continued ~
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Astrocenter Report - Professional Diagnosis
[There is still a long way to go for the Astrocenter report. Starting from this point until the next, the analysis will focus on the professional aspect of my personality.]
---------------------------------
Professional Diagnosis
A professional forecast is the result of a complex analysis. The human personality is so full of complications and contradictions that a given individual is quite likely to succeed in a field quite other than his primary sphere of competence; likewise, it is altogether possible for him to fail in what he had always been told was his natural calling. Moreover, psychological compensation mechanisms, which are entirely unpredictable at the outset, can make drastic changes in an individual's innate abilities (i.e. Toulouse-Lautrec's determination to succeed as an artist despite his physical handicap). Sociological data have demonstrated at length that an individual's destiny is overwhelmingly influenced by the social and cultural background into which he is born. But we cannot take such important criteria into consideration here. The intention of this forecast is to point out YOGA's true motivations, and the chief psychological functions which have contributed to his social and professional identity. We will complete the description with an analysis of his behavior and advice about the best approach to adopt in dealing with life.
---------------------------------
Professional Diagnosis
A professional forecast is the result of a complex analysis. The human personality is so full of complications and contradictions that a given individual is quite likely to succeed in a field quite other than his primary sphere of competence; likewise, it is altogether possible for him to fail in what he had always been told was his natural calling. Moreover, psychological compensation mechanisms, which are entirely unpredictable at the outset, can make drastic changes in an individual's innate abilities (i.e. Toulouse-Lautrec's determination to succeed as an artist despite his physical handicap). Sociological data have demonstrated at length that an individual's destiny is overwhelmingly influenced by the social and cultural background into which he is born. But we cannot take such important criteria into consideration here. The intention of this forecast is to point out YOGA's true motivations, and the chief psychological functions which have contributed to his social and professional identity. We will complete the description with an analysis of his behavior and advice about the best approach to adopt in dealing with life.
~ to be continued ~
Friday, October 15, 2004
Astrocenter Report - Part 4
Generally, he does not see the world in objective terms; instead, he bases his attitude on the feelings various situations arouse inside him. Likewise, in human relationships, he tends to project his imaginary reality onto others instead of seeing them for what they are. As a result, his judgments and reasoning are sometimes deprived of perspective. He should make an effort to refrain from over interpreting other people's actions, because, being the product of his imagination in most cases, his interpretations are mistaken. If he applies himself to listening more openly, people may reveal their deeper motivations. He'll be happier and more effective as a result.
Due to the influence of Mercury, which dominates his birth chart, mental and intellectual energy rules YOGA's personality. He has his own philosophy, and his vision of the world is fairly orderly: it does not exceed the limits of linguistic expression. A sociable, adaptable person, he needs to keep moving in search of novelty and mental excitement. He enjoys talking, communicating, and conveying; bringing people and ideas together, creating games with words and meaning.
[This is kind of contradictory since Astrocenter emphasizes my analytical trait, and yet it says that I'm subjective in my observation of people and the world. I think this can be reconciled, although explanation of it would be lengthy. I'll write about it more in the future, but for now it can be said that in an effort to analyze objectively, I sometimes tend to use subjective criteria to comprehend things I don't quite understand yet. In a sense, "testing out" my "hypothesis".
Some of my friends describes me of having my own way of thinking; Astrocenter describes it as my own "philosophy". I like variety so it correctly assessed my need of mental stimulation. I don't necessarily enjoy talking, but I like communicating my ideas.]
Due to the influence of Mercury, which dominates his birth chart, mental and intellectual energy rules YOGA's personality. He has his own philosophy, and his vision of the world is fairly orderly: it does not exceed the limits of linguistic expression. A sociable, adaptable person, he needs to keep moving in search of novelty and mental excitement. He enjoys talking, communicating, and conveying; bringing people and ideas together, creating games with words and meaning.
[This is kind of contradictory since Astrocenter emphasizes my analytical trait, and yet it says that I'm subjective in my observation of people and the world. I think this can be reconciled, although explanation of it would be lengthy. I'll write about it more in the future, but for now it can be said that in an effort to analyze objectively, I sometimes tend to use subjective criteria to comprehend things I don't quite understand yet. In a sense, "testing out" my "hypothesis".
Some of my friends describes me of having my own way of thinking; Astrocenter describes it as my own "philosophy". I like variety so it correctly assessed my need of mental stimulation. I don't necessarily enjoy talking, but I like communicating my ideas.]
~ to be continued ~
Monday, October 11, 2004
Astrocenter Report - Part 3
Due to the influence of Virgo rising, YOGA's personality, somewhat tense and withdrawn, is ruled by his reason. His intellectual functions predominate over his emotional or sentimental impulses. His mind, which is analytical and critical, is naturally questioning and skeptical; he has great faith in rational positivism and strives to be pragmatic. Although others generally appreciate his conscientious, scrupulous conduct, his devotion to others and his realism, they criticize his meek behavior and his lack of confidence in himself. Indeed, he is so meticulous that he often "cannot see the forest for the trees" and may fret and worry unnecessarily over tiny details. His emotions puzzle him, and he never gives them free expression. Aware that this inhibition is one of his failings, and has a strong desire for self-transformation. Characteristically, he proceeds to do so by taking some sort of conscious action which he thinks will bring about a change. Since he is very self-centered, he is quite likely to succeed. Once his personal metamorphosis has come about, he should no longer repress his emotional urges. He will have found a better balance between his emotions and his intellect.
[Alright, there're more bold phrases this time. Let's see, I do feel somewhat withdrawn sometimes, but I don't think that it's due to the influence of Virgo rising, I can explain this through my MBTI assessment later. The 'lack of confidence' part is due to the high standards I imposed upon myself, more on this with MBTI. Some of my friends can attest to the detail-orientation quirk, but it's nothing serious. The 'self-centered'-ness can also be explained through MBTI.
Astrocenter, however, pointed out my self-awareness, and hence, the desire for self-transformation. It's rather cryptic on the description since it can be applicable to, I think, almost anyone. Personally, I think it hits right on since this self-transformation is currently under development in my other blog.]
[Alright, there're more bold phrases this time. Let's see, I do feel somewhat withdrawn sometimes, but I don't think that it's due to the influence of Virgo rising, I can explain this through my MBTI assessment later. The 'lack of confidence' part is due to the high standards I imposed upon myself, more on this with MBTI. Some of my friends can attest to the detail-orientation quirk, but it's nothing serious. The 'self-centered'-ness can also be explained through MBTI.
Astrocenter, however, pointed out my self-awareness, and hence, the desire for self-transformation. It's rather cryptic on the description since it can be applicable to, I think, almost anyone. Personally, I think it hits right on since this self-transformation is currently under development in my other blog.]
~ to be continued ~
Sunday, October 03, 2004
Astrocenter Report - Part 2
YOGA is eager to help, to be useful, to serve a great cause, but he sometimes does not know whom or what he seeks to serve. Whatever purpose he adopts, YOGA must learn to help without surrendering himself entirely; he tends to try to disappear into the background of a hierarchy. He is sometimes attracted by readymade systems, which soothe a certain anxiety he has. He wouldn't mind devoting himself to a state, a big corporation, or a dogma: it would be reasonable and satisfying. But he sometimes forgets to rebel a bit - to evaluate whether the end justifies the means. YOGA is reassured by predictability. When he commits himself, he wants to know exactly where he is bound and how. This may be a bit of an obstacle to his love life. He tends to keep a tight rein on his urges, to inhibit his emotions. He would not want them to upset his carefully organized existence, after all! But he should learn not to perceive spontaneity as such a threat. Powerful passions and sentiments may overwhelm YOGA, since he tends to prefer reason, moderation, and reality. But his tendency to be so cautious, so analytical and intellectual carries its own risk: that he will never dare to live life to the fullest.
[Another hit on the philosophical question. I began to wonder if Astrocenter has a template for all zodiacs with basic philosophical questions. Anyway, there're more misses this time. I am attracted to some sort of a system, but neither do I tend to dissapear into it nor get comfortable with it. I have high aspiration within a system, and I pose hard questions to myself or the system regardless of my comfort level. Personally, I like a variety in my life, so I'm not necessarily reassured with predictability. However, I do tend to inhibit my emotion (just like the Vulcan race in Star Trek, as suggested by my friend) so I tend to appear somewhat calm and controlled from the outside. It remains to be seen whether my preferences would limit me to live life to the fullest. Check back with me again in 30 years.]
[Another hit on the philosophical question. I began to wonder if Astrocenter has a template for all zodiacs with basic philosophical questions. Anyway, there're more misses this time. I am attracted to some sort of a system, but neither do I tend to dissapear into it nor get comfortable with it. I have high aspiration within a system, and I pose hard questions to myself or the system regardless of my comfort level. Personally, I like a variety in my life, so I'm not necessarily reassured with predictability. However, I do tend to inhibit my emotion (just like the Vulcan race in Star Trek, as suggested by my friend) so I tend to appear somewhat calm and controlled from the outside. It remains to be seen whether my preferences would limit me to live life to the fullest. Check back with me again in 30 years.]
~ to be continued ~
Saturday, October 02, 2004
Astrocenter Report - Part 1
[Continuing on with the report, I bold several phrases and sentences of which I strongly identified myself with. On the most part, the report seems to hit it off correctly on one of the philosophical dilemmas that I face, and on some of my personal traits. I used to have a fairly "strict" code of behavior, but it has evolved to accept some degree of "flexibility". I don't consider that it is inhibiting to live in imperfect world, on the contrary I think it is interesting to study the world and try to live in its imperfection. I don't feel obliged to preserve the ideal because I don't think it exists, or hardly ever. I do feel strongly about social injustice, but by no mean I'm sensitive to it. Most of the time, something or somebody else brings that realization upon me.]
YOGA has an ideal of which he is only partially conscious, but it has a great influence on his psychology. He is determined to preserve his integrity and purity. Even though he may not be aware of it, he is often preoccupied by this predicament: how can he live in this world and remain true to himself? How can he succeed in life without sacrificing his ideals? It's the eternal philosophical dilemma. YOGA has developed a solution, however; he elaborates a fairly strict code of behavior, and tries to obey it as much as possible. The path that he walks in life is straight and narrow. He yearns for a life that would reflect the ideal he has set for himself, as free as possible from irrational mysteries and human failings. In fact, although he may sometimes seem a bit rigid, a bit lacking in perspective, it is because his mind understands the macrocosm through the microcosm, and he must observe the completed system before he will form his opinion.
He is especially good at sorting and choosing, because his mind is like a filter. It rejects the impurities and only accepts the pure and useful. Analysis, deductive reasoning, and a sense of experimentation are YOGA's qualities. He has a great meticulousness and precision which make him a quick and efficient worker. However, he may rely too strongly on his analytical faculties, to the detriment of an overall perception of reality. YOGA likes purity and therefore justice. Thus, he is sensitive to human suffering, especially as a result of social injustice, and he will try to remedy the situation according to what he has learned. Once again, the overriding themes of his personality emerge: he wants to preserve an ideal, avoid deterioration, change, adulteration. He is offended by imperfection and tries to find ways to correct it.
YOGA has an ideal of which he is only partially conscious, but it has a great influence on his psychology. He is determined to preserve his integrity and purity. Even though he may not be aware of it, he is often preoccupied by this predicament: how can he live in this world and remain true to himself? How can he succeed in life without sacrificing his ideals? It's the eternal philosophical dilemma. YOGA has developed a solution, however; he elaborates a fairly strict code of behavior, and tries to obey it as much as possible. The path that he walks in life is straight and narrow. He yearns for a life that would reflect the ideal he has set for himself, as free as possible from irrational mysteries and human failings. In fact, although he may sometimes seem a bit rigid, a bit lacking in perspective, it is because his mind understands the macrocosm through the microcosm, and he must observe the completed system before he will form his opinion.
He is especially good at sorting and choosing, because his mind is like a filter. It rejects the impurities and only accepts the pure and useful. Analysis, deductive reasoning, and a sense of experimentation are YOGA's qualities. He has a great meticulousness and precision which make him a quick and efficient worker. However, he may rely too strongly on his analytical faculties, to the detriment of an overall perception of reality. YOGA likes purity and therefore justice. Thus, he is sensitive to human suffering, especially as a result of social injustice, and he will try to remedy the situation according to what he has learned. Once again, the overriding themes of his personality emerge: he wants to preserve an ideal, avoid deterioration, change, adulteration. He is offended by imperfection and tries to find ways to correct it.
~ to be continued ~
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
Astrocenter Report - Introduction
[This is an introductory posting on Astrocenter.com assessment on me. Normally, I'm skeptical on Astrological assessment, but strangely, Astrocenter report hits on many points. I'll bold several of those phrases that I strongly identified with, but most of those will come on later since the report is quite long so I'll post them in serial order. In a couple weeks or so, I'll compare those with some assessments that are more "scientific" in nature such as MBTI. If you want to check out your Astrocenter report, you can visit their website and get limited report for free, if they still offer them. - Yoga]
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YOUR ASTROCENTER.COM REPORT for: YOGA
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Introduction:
This analysis will give you a general understanding of your motivations, strengths, and weaknesses as they relate to your career. It is meant to be used as a tool for reflection to help you better discerns your goals and abilities in this area.
This study is based on your astral chart. When you were born, each of the planets in the solar system had a precise position in the zodiac. Your astral chart reflects these positions, and the interpretation of your chart yields information about your signs and astrological houses and their influence on you. This information can enhance your efforts to make important career decisions.
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Character and Personality
The following paragraphs concern the study of YOGA's personality, as induced by the positions of the planets and Rising sign. Some of the character traits mentioned may seem completely contradictory and incompatible. This is because the rough-hewn personality is a rarity. Usually, individuals are made up of a subtle orchestration of many different tones or aspects. However, serious introspection or detailed analysis should make it possible to distinguish the opposing or diverging images comprising YOGA's overall character, and perhaps, in time, find the best and most harmonious way to integrate them.
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YOUR ASTROCENTER.COM REPORT for: YOGA
---------------------------------
Introduction:
This analysis will give you a general understanding of your motivations, strengths, and weaknesses as they relate to your career. It is meant to be used as a tool for reflection to help you better discerns your goals and abilities in this area.
This study is based on your astral chart. When you were born, each of the planets in the solar system had a precise position in the zodiac. Your astral chart reflects these positions, and the interpretation of your chart yields information about your signs and astrological houses and their influence on you. This information can enhance your efforts to make important career decisions.
---------------------------------
Character and Personality
The following paragraphs concern the study of YOGA's personality, as induced by the positions of the planets and Rising sign. Some of the character traits mentioned may seem completely contradictory and incompatible. This is because the rough-hewn personality is a rarity. Usually, individuals are made up of a subtle orchestration of many different tones or aspects. However, serious introspection or detailed analysis should make it possible to distinguish the opposing or diverging images comprising YOGA's overall character, and perhaps, in time, find the best and most harmonious way to integrate them.
~ to be continued ~
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